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| Edited By: Birender Ahluwalia |Source: DNA webdesk |Updated: Apr 17, 2016, 09:36 PM IST
It is interesting but the word patience comes from the Latin word “pati”, which means suffering. Patient means someone who suffers. Patience is the ability to endure. Just as suffering is a universal truth, patience is a rather lost and undervalued skill. One wonders, if suffering is a universal skill, why is patience not universally prevalent?
I was in Chennai, doing what I do best. Talking to people about becoming more positive and, therefore, productive. After a particularly tiring day, I trudged into Murugan Idli Shop. For those who are unfamiliar with Murugan, it is a chain of restaurants serving one of the best idlis in the country at an unbelievably affordable price. Usually, the waiting time to get a seat is half an hour. Note, I said seat and not table. At Murugan, they seat you as soon as a seat gets empty. The relatively low cost makes it a magnet for all classes of society.
Usually, when I go to Murugan, my cab driver accompanies me. It is their little treat. This time, the cabbie was Kaalidas. He had a certain sense of dignity and authority around him. He does not seem to be the usual reserved, polite to the point of subservient, drivers who drive private tourist cabs. As we ordered our share of idlis and coffee, we got talking. Turns out, we both got our license in 1986, and we were both born in 1968.
The conversation then moved to the recent Chennai floods. His shoulders visibly tensed. He spoke about how his family was marooned for three days without electricity, food, water and mobile phones. I found it interesting that a mobile phone was considered part of the emergency kit. But I digress. He broke eye contact and looked away from me. Staring into the blank space just over my shoulder he said that he had his own car was submerged under two feet under water. As a result, the car was written off. Overnight from being a proud taxi owner, he went into poverty. He slid down the social and economic scale to being a taxi driver.
He said the biggest stress of the three days, was the waiting. It is not that the hunger and thirst were not stressful and life threatening. The frustration, anxiety, sadness and fear for waiting for help to come from the external world was worse than the hunger. Once the floodwaters receded, Kaalidas obviously evaluated his life and decided that change was in order.
Unfortunately, Kaalidas’ wait is not over. His insurance claim remains unpaid. He keeps visiting the insurance officers and is constantly told to come back another day. But, this column is not about the customer service orientation. It is about the hardest part being the uncertainty of the entire outcome.
Kaalidas would be justified in questioning the unfairness of the fate his family finds themselves. Will these bouts of misfortune keep recurring? His patience and sense of hope for the future is unbelievable. I guess, if you have been marooned for three days, you do learn patience the hard way. Indeed, sometimes it is just the wait, which is absolutely the agony.
In these columns, we have spoken about many concepts of adversity, resilience, grit, belief, values, strengths, purpose, stress, and coping. Today I want to talk to you about the processes we use while awaiting potentially bad news and our response to the bad news.
Let’s explore the various emotional, thought and behavioural processes that Kaalidas can deploy while he waits for his insurance claim to be approved and disbursed. What makes Kaalidas so patient to keep standing, even after facing so much adversity?
Kate Sweeny, a social psychologist at the University of California Riverside, and her colleagues have explored “wait watchers”. She and her colleagues have researched people waiting for bad news such as a diagnosis of cancer, failed in-vitro fertilisation, news of a professional failure or failing in exams and have developed the Bad News Response Model.
They quote a very interesting court case in the federal court of California in 2014. The judge declared the death penalty was unconstitutional and that it was a cruel and unconstitutional punishment. What makes the case interesting is not the perspective of the cruelty of the punishment per se, but the acknowledgement of the complex emotional processes. The judge said, the inmate faced “complete uncertainty as to when, or even whether” he would be put to death. The suffering that caused by the uncertainty was the reason that the judge deemed it fit to overturn a death penalty.
Apparently waiting for death is worse than death itself.
While waiting, our mind starts engaging in meaningless conversations. Our mind is in rumination mode with persistent and repetitive thoughts. Our attention is taken away from what we were supposed to be doing to thinking over and over about our misfortunes.
Even when faced with life-threatening consequences, ruminators delay taking action. Research of breast cancer survivors found that ruminators tended to delay contacting their doctors after noticing breast cancer symptoms. Does that sound familiar?
Waiting tends to distract you from the tasks you are meant to be finishing. The discomfort experienced from waiting tends to influence not only our response to the bad news but also influences the outcomes of unrelated tasks.
Research on rumination shows that it impairs memory, reading comprehension and problem-solving ability. Ruminators are more likely to not commit to future plans. We tend to have lower confidence in our ability to execute our future plans.
Ruminators start disconnecting from the people who you are supposed to support and people who have the power to support you. Even worse, when people asked for help, ruminators were less likely to get help than non-ruminators. People around you can sense if you are a ruminator. Nobody likes ruminators.
Therefore, our response to bad news is weakened. The impatience drives us away from optimal functioning.
The most natural response to waiting is to wait some more, even on unrelated aspects of our lives. We tend to forget that life is much more beyond the results that we are waiting for. Every aspect of life comes to a standstill.
It could be the results of an interview, which did not go well. It could be the result of a text you sent to the girl in the cubicle next to you. It could be a reply for an email war that you are waiting for. Your mind is waiting. Rather unproductively.
Basically, your brain, which is usually a very capable ally, diverts its resources towards unrelated thoughts. Instead of focusing on actions to prepare yourself, your mind is busy elsewhere. Some people undertake what is known as proactive coping. They use the time to accumulate resources and start preparing for the future.
Yes, waiting is laden with emotion. One might argue that the emotions that surface, hold a lot of useful information that could be leveraged to move us towards our goals.
Once the negative events have incurred we may feel shame, anger, disappointment, sadness and regret. These are very potent emotions, which can serve a useful purpose. But, the events have not yet occurred.
Let me explain the dilemma.
— Anger is an emotion, where we feel that an injustice has been done. Our minds urge us to move forward to restore justice. However, the injustice has not been inflicted. Therefore, we cannot express our anger. In the recent past, we have seen important court cases, election results and political decisions. The night before the big day, we do not know which way will the decision go. What we do know is that, if it goes against us, it would be a gross injustice. Therefore, there is no reason to be angry as yet, but we are in a stuck place.
— Sadness is an emotion we feel after a loss. Once we experience sadness, we are motivated to take action which moves us forward from the loss. But the sadness evoking loss has not been incurred. This is often seen when a loved one is in an operating theater. You do not know the outcome. You do not know if you need to be sad at your loss or grateful for a providential escape. You may have worked hard for a presentation and you are awaiting your board’s decision. It is a no man’s land.
— Regret is an emotion, where a mistake has taken place. It motivates us to change our behaviour. At the same board meeting, you now realise, that perhaps you could have answered a question differently. But we do not know if our answer was incorrectly interpreted. We may have made a risky bet on a stock, and would be regretting our gamble. However, we still do not know if it was a mistake. So we cannot take any corrective action. We are still in that in-between state.
The emotions are very strong and can help you more forward, but these emotions have to be put on hold.
Obviously, all events are not equal. The way we wait and respond to the bad news depends on three key factors.
When you receive bad news, what part of the outcome or consequence can be controlled? If you hate maths and if you think that you might not pass the exam, a week before the maths test, there is nothing much to do except put your head down, study hard and hope for the best. You can hope for an easy paper, but that is not within your control. What is within your control is the hours you have left to study. You can focus on what you are capable of controlling.
The higher your self-belief is, the higher the chance of responding with a change in behaviour to the bad news. If your self-belief is low, then you would tend to just console yourself on your misfortune. Instead of making a change, you might just accept your misfortune. Or worse, you might just hope that the problem will go away. The response will be incorrect.
You have had a drink at a bar. You dismiss the idea that you might get caught. Now you are driving home, wondering if a cop will show up. Your mind is playing out different scenarios. Your mind should be focused on the wheel and, perhaps, be thinking of pulling over and getting a cab. Your mind again evaluates the likelihood. Your perception of the likelihood of an accident or getting caught influences how you respond.
Think about why so many people report late for an aircraft boarding announcement. They think the plane cannot take off without them. The fact that it has never happened before tends to take a higher risk. However, controllability and perception of likelihood are moderated by the severity of the consequences.
Missing a flight can have a high severity. Your entire schedule can be disrupted. You have to explain to everyone why you missed a flight. There is the entire inconvenience and cost.
When you receive the bad news that you have been offloaded, your first response is hardly of regret, it is of anger. Perhaps it is the humiliation of being told you missed your flight because you were having a coffee and did not hear the announcement. (Warning: Many airports do not make announcements).
The severity of the consequence along with the controllability and likelihood should drive our response.
All the three factors—the severity, likelihood, and controllability—together drive our response to bad news.
Kate Sweeny recommends the Bad News Response Model, where there are three questions to be asked.
Is the severity of the outcome— low or high?
What is the level of control you possess— low or high?
Is the likelihood of negative consequences— low or high?
The preferred response is as follows:
If you have answered with two or three highs, then your response should be “active change”.
Otherwise, you need “watchful waiting”, with one exception. If the event has a high likelihood and high severity, but you have a low level of control over the consequence, then “acceptance” is the best response. Well, at least the best first response. Both watchful waiting and acceptance need the skill of patience.
Source: psych.ufl.edu
Let's now explore each one of the responses.
When you have low control over the consequences and the likelihood is low, then you need to undertake a wait and watch policy. Patience is the key.
You might want to be vigilant for any signs of the likelihood changing. For example, if you have been diagnosed as a high risk for cancer and you already have a healthy lifestyle, then there is nothing to do but make sure that you continue your healthy lifestyle and never miss the annual health check up. You might want to occasionally do some research and keep yourself updated on new treatments and trends. But there is no need for change. Even if you wish to change, the outcome is not really in your control. You need to give up that control.
Your company might be undergoing a restructuring, it might be useful to explore new opportunities outside or even ask the people who might have some knowledge about its impact. You might want to make yourself more valuable to the company. You might want to postpone taking any loans and start pulling back on any luxury or high value expenses. There is no need to be obsessed about it. You can calm your mind by keeping a schedule for a periodic check in.
The key is to actively change your behaviour and actions but keep a look out on the changing radar for what is out of your control.
If the severity and likelihood are both high, but you do not have control over the consequences, then acceptance is the best way forward. You need to focus on your emotional response rather than a behaviour change. Our impatience forces us to take action whereas what is needed is patience to accept our reality.
For example, if you realise, that however hard you may try you are not going to be selected in cycling team. At some point in time, you might want to give up. If the doctor has asked you to dial back your lifestyle it does need some level of acceptance that you might not be a party animal anymore. It is more important to first deal with the emotional response and then pursue other avenues.
If the events have a high likelihood of occurring and you possess a high control over the consequences, then you should pursue an active change. Once the change is required, we need to pursue it with speed.
Some people might still be in the wait and watch mode, hope that someone will come to their rescue. Some move into acceptance mode and just give up. Perhaps they doubt their ability to control the consequence or misjudge the severity of doing nothing. Sometimes they just underestimate the likelihood.
For example, you have been diagnosed with cancer or even high blood pressure/diabetes/ obesity. You find yourself with a pink slip. The way ahead is active change.
There are numerous aspects of your well-being which can be leveraged to deal with the bad news. You can start changing right away. You might not even wait for the event to come to pass.
Our perception of severity: The model depends on our perceptions of the severity of our consequences. Research has proven that we tend to overestimate our losses and underestimate our gains. Sometimes we tend to estimate the severity on the basis of faulty information.
A rejection or a divorce might seem to have very high severity. The loss of a loved one is indeed distressful in the short run, but in the long run, we know the pain does ease out.
Research even proves that we tend to grossly underestimate our ability to withstand the severity. Patients diagnosed with HIV virus might have perceptions (maybe correctly) of the social stigma and life span. The severity here is perceived to be very high. On the other hand, a battered housewife or an employee who is often humiliated might feel that the battery and humiliation is a small price to pay for not being abandoned or unemployed might respond to the bad news differently. Therefore, they just wait until the next round of battery and humiliation, perceiving low severity.
The anger of being denied a promotion might lead to denial, where we deny that something has changed. We are not as good as we thought as ourselves to be. Something needs to change.
Our perception of control: Some people have an illusion of control. Recognising what we can and cannot control is difficult. Why do people drink and drive? It is because they feel that they have a “capacity” to drink. Therefore, they will be able to control the car. If they happen to chance upon a cop, well a “hundred rupee note” should do the trick. We think we have it under control. Our response to the bad news is to blame luck.
Our perception of likelihood: Why do people gamble and go to casinos? They feel they can tempt fate. Many entrepreneurs have a similar problem. They are so emotionally invested in the business that they cannot hear the news that their venture is in trouble. Sometimes giving up is the right option, but people persist with great personal, economic, and social costs. Many times we give it a try, just to avoid the disappointment of not having tried something or risk being labelled a failure.
The response that we chose to follow should maximise the overall quality of our lives, which includes financial stability, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health, social and general well being.
Now we move to the agonising wait with what Kate Sweeny calls Tips for Waiting Well.
Let’s go back to Kaalidas. For Kaalidas, visiting the temple reminded him of his connect with the almighty. When he saw the destruction around him, he was grateful for his life and house being spared. He showed gratitude towards the young men and women who managed to reach food, water, and clothes to his family.
One of the non-negotiable values that Kaalidas had to remind himself was that his children should get exactly the same education that he had planned for them. While waiting for his claim, he started looking for a job, to feed his family and save up for his next car. Having figured out, his income and expense, he will need to work another two years before he can buy another car and regain his lost status.
Kaalidas accepted that his social and economic status had changed. He made an active change in his life. As far as his insurance claim is concerned, he is deploying watchful waiting. If he is too aggressive with the claim processors he might antagonize them.
So what did Kaalidas do that we can learn from?
When the event is not within control, all you can really do is avoid thinking about it. Therefore, the best technique is to distract yourself from the negative reminders. You could listen to some music or catch your favourite comedy sketch on YouTube. Some people find respite in prayers. The healthy way to distract yourself could be to go work out or a long walk. It could be to treat yourself to a coffee or a little foot massage. There are many online meditation techniques which last around twenty minutes. A smoke or a drink while you wait for the bad news might not really a good idea.
I am not asking you to ignore the issue. All I am saying is that you give yourself five minutes of decompression time. You will find that the little gap provides for some time to relieve the stress and anxiety and frees up some of the mind’s resources.
Once your mind is a bit at ease or even if you decided not to distract yourself, you can direct your thoughts towards planning the future.
First, you could look at the optimistic part of your predicament. You could evaluate what you can do to change the outcome.
Second, would be to manage your expectation and brace for the negativity that is about to hit you.
Kate Sweeny posits that both the states are fluid and overlapping. When the negative option starts entering your radar, you might want to maintain optimism. You would appraise your resources to see if there is something that you could do to avoid the outcome. Research proves that people who are more optimistic have speedier recoveries from illnesses. Optimistic people recover faster from psychological blows. The key is to have belief in your strengths, ability, track record and social support.
As the day of reckoning comes closer, you might want to control your emotional response. It is fine to be pessimistic, but the key is to process those emotions. Avoidance or denial of pessimism can only be harmful.
It may sound counter-intuitive but you could hold both these conflicting thoughts—hoping for optimism and bracing for pessimism—in your head at the same time.
A technique that psychologists recommend is benefit finding. Even in dire circumstances people can find new purpose in their lives. People who have been laid off use the time to connect with the family and hit the gym. This tends to reduce your fear of the outcome. Just before the end of the waiting period, you might begin to brace for pessimism. You appraise your situation and lower your expectation.
The other technique is to reduce attachment. People could use this time to rationally evaluate the severity of the outcome. What impact does it have on the domains of your life— work, family, self, and community? You might find that there are still other domains which have not been impacted by the event.
If you are a marathon runner and the doctors have suggested that you stop running, you might want to use this time to find alternate hobbies.
During the waiting period, where the outcomes are out of your control, an honest appraisal of the severity reduces anxiety levels. Of course, you need to have a keen sense of balance. In case you were expecting bad news but get good news instead, you should be ready to go ahead and celebrate it. The joy of receiving unexpectedly great news should be greeted with as much zest and gratitude.
A lot of the bad news is associated with self-worth and self-esteem. You might want to evaluate if your self-worth should be so heavily dependent on a single outcome or event. Yes, you did get a bout of bad luck with the layoff, but was that really your fault? Is it a true reflection of your capabilities? If you received a poor performance rating, you could choose to accept the parts which are relevant as a learning process and then move ahead to make changes.
The key is to recognise that no single event should describe who you are and who you can be. No event can ever be so potent.
For some people, undertaking small community work or showing appreciation to others or showing kindness to strangers reminds them that they are in control. The fact that even in adversity they hold the key to supporting others is a big boost to their self-worth.
It does not matter how terrible the consequences you face. The key is to dive into your strengths and skills. You can use this time to figure out, what can you do to recover from the blows that are about to come your way. Maybe you can reach out to people who can help you find a job. Maybe you can use the time to update your resume. You can use this time to people who have been in a similar situation to find out how they coped with a similar adversity.
Every day brings with it uncertainty. It could result in good news or bad news. The key is to move forward. After all, our mistakes lead to mastery. Our response to bad news is what matters. If we developed patience as a virtue, we might make a difference beyond our imagination. It is a possibility that I would love to live into.
The author is the Founder of The Positivity Company, where he helps business leaders become more positive and productive. Birender can be reached on birender.ahluwalia@gmail.com.
