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| Edited By: Shweta Bachchan Nanda |Source: DNA |Updated: Aug 14, 2016, 12:05 AM IST
Last week, the world celebrated Friendship Day with full gusto. Reams of virtual space was dedicated to gushing about the people you spend all year traumatising with details of your relationship and use as human BMI machines (for the uninitiated, that’s a machine that calculates Body mass [read: fat] index)! As a favour/public service, I am spotlighting the kind of friends you need not be wasting time — “loving to the moon and back.” You can thank me later!
No one does as convincing a job of pretend-friendship like these guys. Since time immemorial (remember Brutus?), they’ve been giving us bear hugs while gently sliding the dagger into our backs. There is always a niggling feeling when they’re around that something isn’t quite right.
Bad news: They’ve already sabotaged your relationship, social standing and are steadily chipping away at your self-esteem.
Good news: Everyone has one in their life. They are easy to spot (the ones congratulating you, but they never quite get around to liking your stuff on Instagram or Facebook) and as easy to weed out. You’ll emerge from this one a little low on trust, but will live to see another day.
Friendship Day status: DNR (do not resuscitate).
It’s midnight on your birthday, somewhere in the world (just not in your time zone yet) and your phone lights up in the middle of aerial yoga class, bet your bottom dollar on it being your over-zealous buddy. Do not expect any kind of nonbiased feedback from them; everything is heavily swung in your favour ad infinitum. Most commonly spotted making plans for tea with your mother, when you’re out of town, and patiently listening to all her complaints about you!
Good news: They’re happy to do the thankless jobs you don’t want to and will never reciprocate. Eg: Babysitting.
Bad news: They don’t get hints that are tougher to shake off than a stomach bug in the monsoons. If you’re not one for cheery optimism all day every day, then I’d say ‘Avoid’.
Friendship Day status: Stealth delete from Instagram or risk being serial-tagged on everything.
They do not want to befriend you, they want to be you. Anyone who saw the movie knows what I’m talking about. Suddenly, find two of everything in your laundry basket; chances are you’ve cultivated a SWF. Show up to a dinner and she has the same haircut, the one you just got and she ridiculed, I’d say reverse walk out the door, change your phone number and your locks. Wake up in the middle of the night and find her sitting up staring at you sleep!? Do you need more proof that she is the Mayor of Stalkerville?
Bad news: No amount of distance deters this variety. They are determined and devious.
Good news: There is none! Imitation is the best form of flattery business. DOES NOT WORK IN THIS CONTEXT.
Friendship Day status: Restraining order.
…and there you have it, the trinity of bad judgment. Walk it off get some fresh air, and a fresh perspective. Did I just Grinch your Friendship Day high? Oh well, just put me down as someone you won’t send emoji flowers to next Friendship Day, my loss (not!).
