Since we’re at it...

I am certain that even if I throw all my Gauloises in the Arabian Sea, those big shiny vehicles spewing black smoke right in my face will erode my lungs pretty soon; not to mention screw up my skin completely!

The chalta-hai Bombayite has yet again been stirred from his/her Kumbhakarna slumber. Cause célèbre; the smoking ban. Yes, passionate debates are indeed to be overheard on the porches of most bars and restaurants with an eclectic mix of intrepid smokers huffing and puffing away both literally and figuratively. They are either ranting at government hypocrisy in banning smoking when tiffin and shoe bombs might kill us much faster, or stoutly supporting the ban since it finally puts Bombay in the league of Paris, NY and London (at least something puts us in the super-city league, because infrastructure is unlikely to!). I for one am indifferent.  My occasional Gauloises is more than a mere cigarette; it’s a wisp of smoke that connects me to Bond, Lennon, Camus and an era of great minds and greater ideas where I am but the lowly bottom rung of this hallowed smoke chain being at best, a diffident columnist. However I am glad the ban has helped me wake up after a night of revelry without smelling like yesterday’s garbage bin. There is nothing quite as hideous as the stench of stale smoke mixed with a splash of your favourite Hermes.

However if the intention of this ban is to prevent innocent people from getting injured and dying due to others’ follies I have a wish-list of bans I’d love for the government
to implement.

Belching Cars: I have just embarked upon the life of the average Bombayite which includes long commutes to and from the suburbs and I am certain that even if I throw all my Gauloises in the Arabian Sea, those big shiny vehicles spewing black smoke right in my face will erode my lungs pretty soon; not to mention screw up my skin completely!
Suggested Fine: Quid pro quo . . . . human biogas version!

Frustrated Married Men: Yes, notwithstanding their considerable charm and sometimes even remarkable intelligence, these men pose a serious threat to all single girls in the city who are busting their backsides for a living and usually starved for love and attention. Because, more often than not they woo these chicas with wit, snare them with a sob story and then hit bull’s-eye with a bottle of Bordeaux before they suddenly realise that they ‘don’t want to rock the boat’ and scurry back to their wives leaving a baffled and broken heart behind.
Suggested Fine: Spycam tapes of him passionately dissing his wife, delivered to her doorstep!!

PLOs: Nope not Yasser and gang (RIP) but Public Loo Offenders. Anyone, man or woman who has had the misfortune of using public loos in India in offices, cinemas, airplanes etc will have some horrendous anecdote of their own to add to this woeful tale. My personal worst is walking into a guy who had left his door unlatched in a Kuwait Airways flight and sat beaming at me from his throne instead of being embarrassed as I turned red at his faux pas and ran out!
Suggested Fine: The Greek curse of Tantalus so that these PLOs find all loos locked whenever they need them most!

Bad Break-Uppers: The grammar may be wonky, but you get my sentiment don’t you? Long-distance telecon tatas, SMS sayonaras, “I’m done” drunken scene at a party, or “Oops, she is just a friend, your friend in fact!” bloopers all qualify as lowdown dirty break-up tactics and seriously injure the quality of the affected party’s future relationships.
Suggested Fine: Turn all these men into Viveik Oberoi... during his Aishwarya phase!

And now since we’re at it, can we also please ban potholes, traffic, communal rabble-rousing, paid PR parading as journalism and screechy-preachy saas-bahu TV sagas? Suggested fine for offenders? A month-long romantic getaway in Bora Bora with George Bush/Mayawati!

 deblina@dnaindia.net