Simi's Mum's Diary: The Daughter of all Battles

Finished reading a book one of Simi’s giggly friends left behind, and now I am desperately seeking a dead sexy vampire. I fell madly in love with the vampire hero - he is cool, noble and witty.

More importantly, his victims never age - no wrinkles or saggy baggy bodies. Sort of like permanent Botox. Was hoping that when Simi starts dating, she’ll find a nice vampire who will bite me. If she starts dating at all. Odd, she’s twenty years old and no pimply boyfriend in sight - despite the fact that her college is co-ed. She hangs around with a bunch of hyper girls instead. I have good reason to worry. So it’s not surprising that I gasped like I’d seen a cockroach when I emptied the laundry basket this morning. I discovered 5 pairs of hot pink male undies - Amul Macho’s in size XS. Can swear with my hand on a holy book in a court of law that beloved husband wears Jockeys in size M.  Realised with a sinking feeling that the Amul Macho’s must belong to my daughter. OMG, was that why Sweet Simi had metamorphosed to Sulky Simi over the last few years? I’d been blaming her teen hormones for her moody behaviour when it was her male hormones all along!

Panicked and called Rohit who snarled, ‘Buzz off, I’m in a meeting.’ Told him it was vitally important and spilled the beans between anguished sobs. After a long pause he snapped, ‘Don’t bother me with rubbish when I’m at work,’ and disconnected.

A second later, he sent me a text message: ‘Am leaving office early today. Make sure Simi’s home by 6.’

Ten minutes later, I got another message: ‘Get on the net and find out how much sex change operations cost.’

Five minutes later yet another message from Rohit: ‘Ah, so that’s why Simi pinches my aftershaves instead of your perfumes!’

Was hugely relieved that he was taking this seriously after all.

I hastily sent Simi a message: ‘Be home by 6 latest – or else!’

Simi’s terse reply: ‘Can’t. Collg fest on.’

Sent a cryptic message in return: ‘This is v. imp. Your father has a life-changing decision to discuss.’

Simi’s response: ‘That can wait. Collg fest can’t!’

Me: ‘Get your ass here or we’ll pick you up from college. BTW I’ll embarrass you by wearing a tight, strappy, cleavage- revealing tee!’

Hah! I knew that the threat about me in a cleavage- revealing tee would get her running home in horror. Felt too emotionally drained to surf the net about sex change operations, so slumped self on the sofa and contemplated Simi’s future life as a man.

Scribbled a list of positives:

1. Mother-in-law will be delighted. She has always held me in contempt for not producing a grandson.

2. Much better since Simi’s v. hairy. Will save on waxing and threading bills.

3. Will not have to worry about her having a baby before marriage.

4. Boys are always nicer to their mothers. In all the ads I’ve seen, they buy them expensive presents with their first salaries.

Just when I had grown rather fond of the boy trapped in Simi’s body and even thought of a fab name for him, Rohit called.

‘Pink is her favourite colour. She always wears pink!’ he thundered triumphantly.

‘Big deal,’ I said coolly, ‘he could be metrosexual.’

‘Not he, she!’ he snapped and hung up.

Rohit was home well before 6 pm, looking pale and drawn.

‘If it’s true, we must be supportive,’ he gravely said.

‘Of course,’ I said warmly. ‘What do you think of the name Simir? It’s close to Simi and sort of like Samir. Nice, huh?’

He wrinkled his nose. ‘Simir? That’s rubbish! It’s not even a real name!’

‘You’re such an old fashioned sod! If Gwyneth Paltrow can name her daughter Apple and Frank Zappa can call his daughter Moon Unit, we can jolly well invent names for our child.’

Simi arrived in the midst of our squabble. ‘Who’s this Simir you guys are fighting over? He should murder his parents for giving him such a godawful name!’