Of open marriages and relationships

It was the stuff of urban myth, discussed in whispers at kitty lunches. Swinging, it was called. There were more Chinese whispers about the couples’ getaways, where the holidays were more exchange parties than actual holidaying. Then there were the stories about couples, with one or both of them with relationships apart from their spouses, and accepting about it.

Today, swinging is called open marriage. Often defined as a marriage or relationship in which both partners agree that each may have sexual relations with others. There’s another kind, polyamory. There’s a tad but important difference between swinging and polyamory. While swinging is primarily about getting it off with someone other than your betrothed and not caring if you saw the other ever again, polyamory is more about emotions, and accepting that one could have feelings for more than one person.

Isn’t fidelity the mainstay of marriage? Some would disagree. Chapter one of the book, The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels by Susan Pease Gadoua and Vicki Larson, begins with these words: “Marriage as we know it is dying.” Nonetheless, marriage as an institution continues doggedly. People get married. People also get separated and divorced. And some people have open marriages, because they simply aren’t cut out for monogamy.

Of course, there are risks. Sexually transmitted diseases, for one, if you aren’t demanding a health certificate from every potential partner. Then there’s the risk of getting emotionally involved, and finding that you enjoy having sex with the other partners more than your own. Should there be ground rules? What if one partner isn’t comfortable with the idea?

Then there is the need to keep non-monogamous relationships under the radar. Both swinging and polyamory still have a negative perception, even though we are accepting variations in sexual preferences and sexuality. The hetero-normative definition of a marriage comes inbuilt with the premise of monogamy. But the space for consensual non-monogamy has always existed, and within that space emerges the acknowledgement that sexual desire does not necessarily confine itself to a single person. That sexual attraction can be exclusive of an emotional relationship. It is polyamory that is challenging—it raises difficult issues like jealousy, or when a secondary partner moves up to primary partner.

Kiran Manral is the author of six published books across genres. She is also a recovering Nutella addict

SPEAK UP

Did you like this? Write to us at
sexualitydna@gmail.com