Coming out late

I read somewhere that most women do fantasize about other women and find them attractive. Let’s not get into the standard male fantasy of woman on woman. Time to put a firm, sharp pin to that balloon, guys. But back to the topic at hand.

A study conducted amongst a group of heterosexual women by Boise State University, USA found that 60 per cent were keen about other women, 45 per cent had made out with women and 50 per cent had fantasies about women. A study conducted by the University of Utah found that as women got older, their sexual preferences were more likely to get ‘unlabelled’. Interestingly, a comprehensive study of female sexuality done in 2010, found an increase in the number of ‘Late blooming lesbians’, namely women who’ve switched their sexuality post 30.

We’ve had recent celebrity cases of late blooming lesbians. In September 2016, author Elizabeth Gilbert (of the international best-selling memoir Eat Pray Love, in which she famously wrote about going off to discover herself after a miserable divorce, and finding love with a hot Brazilian man) announced that she was ending her marriage because she was in love with her long time best friend, who just happened to be female. As she wrote in her 2006 best-seller, “It’s still two human beings trying to get along, so it’s going to be complicated. And love is always complicated.”

She has a predecessor in the literary world. Writer Virginia Woolf had been married for a while when she fell in love and began an affair with Vita Sackville-West, also middle-aged, married and a writer. There’s also actress Portia De Rossi who was married to a man before she fell in love with and married talk show host Ellen DeGeneres in 2008.

Some women are coming out later in life in India too, and more power to them! Some of them have been in monogamous marriages and even have children. Why does it take them so long to come out? For some, they perhaps didn’t even realise they could have sexual feelings for women until the woman who awoke those feelings came into their lives. For others, the pressure to conform to the heteronormative narrative would have swatted any stray nigglings. For others who were aware, it could have been the lack of social acceptance when they were younger.

Increasing discussions in the public space about LGBTQIA+ issues have had a positive effect in terms of empowering older women to speak about their sexuality. Sometimes, women who come out late have probably reached a stage where they’re more confident, certain about their sexuality, financially independent and have less of a ‘F’ to give about what society thinks. Nonetheless, it can be quite difficult to deal with. For many women with children, the challenge is always about how to explain it to them. Others might worry that this is perhaps just a mid-life crisis or a pre-menopausal phase.

What is wonderful is that women are understanding that it is okay to be gender-fluid. And after all, straight or lesbian or bi, isn’t it all about eschewing the labels and embracing one’s sexual identity?

Kiran Manral is the author of six published books across genres. She is also a recovering Nutella addict

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