An open letter to Maria whoever the F@#$ she is

Wednesday, 9 July 2014 - 6:20am IST | Place: Mumbai | Agency: dna

Dear Maria:

Last week has been hellish for India. Every young Indian, and there are 600 million of them (enough to run Putin and Russia over) the not so young, including an ageing sex Godman N D Tiwari are grieving. You Babushka. Don't you know who Tendulkar is? Don't you watch cricket, the world's most loved sport with one of the most honest people of our times, N Srinivasan chairing the ICC?

You call yourself a tennis player. What's tennis? You guys get excited when you have 700 stiff upper lipped jerks watching you grunt and moan (Tiwari is getting excited now) on some patch of green called Wimbledon. Tendulkar bats in front of 60,000 people every time he plays. And there are billions that are watching him and not Arnab Goswami my friend. Now you'll say who's Arnab?

Which planet do you reside on Maria? I know you live in Florida and can be forgiven for a low IQ but how dare you insult Indians and our beloved sport. For years, as a nation, we have starved. Most of our sporting heroes either die or become fixers. Tendulkar was and is different. We finally got one real sporting hero so much so that we didn't ever want him to retire. And YOU don't know him? Don't you listen to the Bournvita Quiz Contest or for that matter see the MRF ads? How can you have the temerity to tell the world that you don't know who Tendulkar is? You ride some crap car whereas Tendulkar drives a Ferrari? You Russians know about Lada and the Mafia. Have you ever seen a Ferrari you Putinesque creature?

What are your achievements? Apart from looking good and playing some silly game? Do you know that Tendulkar got the Bharat Ratna? Now you'll tell us you don't know what the Bharat Ratna is. Normally Bharat Ratna is given to members of the Nehru-Gandhi family. We've also given it to Amartya Sen who is an economist and a dear friend of Jagdish Bhagwati. Now you will tell me you don't know who Sen and Bhagwati are? Do you at least know where Muzzafarnagar is? Knowing your antecedents you'll surely know who Abu Azam is? Anyway to come to the point, Tendulkar is a Bharat Ratna recipient and he sits in the Rajya Sabha: which is India's Upper House and he is one of the few blokes in the Rajya Sabha who hasn't had to pay his way to get there. Do you know what the Rajya Sabha is? He shares a seat with Rekha. Do you know who she is at least? She is one of the brightest stars and a celebrated mind, which is why she is in the Rajya Sabha. She is also someone who has never aged. So while you watch your grandchildren play at silly Wimbledon, Rekha will still look like your daughter.

Please do not treat India lightly and Tendulkar even more so. We now have a Prime Minister. Not a puppet. He is tougher than Putin even though he doesn't have to take off his clothes to prove so. Do not upset India ever. Never ever. Ever. Now go back into your hole and read everything about India. Google Tendulkar and then talk to us. Till then, every Indian will troll you on social media and make you so miserable that you might even be tempted to join the Indian Women's cricket team.
In aguish,


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