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| Edited By: Birender Ahluwalia |Source: DNA webdesk |Updated: Apr 24, 2016, 07:51 PM IST
The word conversation conjures up a heartwarming image of two people. A conversation has the power to make the connection between two people, two groups and even two warring tribes or countries. It is interesting that the word conversation has its etymological roots in the Latin word ‘conversari’, which meant living together, intimacy and familiarity.
This begs the question, why do we not teach conversational skills in schools? We get prizes for elocution, public speaking, essay writing, class participation and debate. From early childhood, we are rewarded for uni-dimensional and uni-directional communication. The skill of having a perspective remains undervalued and unexplored.
It is not that we learn conversation skills at a later life stage. As we grow up, social media has taken over our conversations. These are hardly conversations. Social media is one-way communication on steroids. Photos are greeted with a frenzy of likes and shares. Posts elicit polarised replies than thoughtful responsiveness.
Dating apps have converted the skill of asking a girl out on a date to swipe to the right, taking away the awkwardness of sweaty palms and the agony of rejection and humiliation. The skill of saying to no to a guy is now just a swipe to the left. No offence meant. None taken. Either side.
The conversation of ending a friendship is now just the process of un-following, blocking or un-friending. There is no need to undergo the uncomfortable experience of expressing your hurt emotional state.
On the other end of the spectrum, are the unsolicited opinions and trolls, tender romantic moments or raw wounds are thoroughly exposed and examined by strangers.
Then the real world hits us, where conversations have the power to make legislative changes, starting or stopping wars. The stakes could be phenomenally high. We are expected to lead women and men in immensely competitive and ambiguous environments through conversations. We are expected to improve productivity and competence of our teams through the conversational context of buy-in and reading nuanced body language. A tough ask. Why?
Our entire education and conversational experience has been uni-dimensional.
You never know where the next tripwire is located. Most topics are now hot button topics.
The problem starts when values judgments creep into the equation. Every topic becomes a hot button topic— healthy eating vs butter laden dishes, vegetarian vs non-vegetarian vs vegan.
Politics and political leaders sorely need the start of a deeper conversation, away from the glare and scrutiny of electoral gains. At home, conversations about finances, children, in-laws, sex, social events are all trip wires for marital bliss. At work it’s about work performance, allocation of resources, the bell curve and productivity.
Conversations are a great catalyst for change. The need for change and pathways for change are often recognised in the midst of free-flowing conversations. Monologues and instructions rarely bring sustainable change.
Trust is built through conversations. When we take the trouble to explore the values of a person, and if the gesture is reciprocated, the green shoots of trust begin to emerge. It is natural that in our hurried lives, we will make mistakes which can potentially erode trust. Conversations, at that juncture, repair the damage and aids the process of recovery.
In my experience, conversations help overcome stereotypes as well. One often goes into a conversation with notions based on your perceptions of capabilities. Only when you start talking to people, do the layers of stereotypes that you have built over the years begin to peel away. Two individuals, who can momentarily put aside their differences to listen, often find themselves opening up possibilities of collaboration and innovation.
Confronted with uncomfortable conversations, we take a “now” approach. We want to have the conversation right then. The adrenaline starts surging through our brains and bodies, propelling us into a conflict mode. Our brains want to talk about the issue right away. We think that if it does not happen now, it will never happen. We start by throwing emotion-laden accusations. The familiar pattern of blame and shame starts taking shape.
On the other hand, there are some who take a “never” approach to conversations. Some of us do not broach hot button topics. Conversations against what we see as non-negotiable values are never to be talked about.
Sometimes, we think delaying the conversation could mean that we can postpone the conversation forever. Our discomfort with conflict or conflict escalation prevents us from being an active participant. Being a doormat does not help either.
Why does that happen?
When the conversation starts with fear and anxiety, your brain is flooded with cortisol and catecholamine which shut down the executive functioning, like trust, integrity, planning, and strategic thinking. The brain operates in a fight or flight mode. On the other hand, a conversation based on appreciation and trust results in oxytocin, which helps build connectedness and common bonds.
You can tell, yell or decide that you want to co-create a desirable change.
The brain can process only so much information. Multitasking never works. It needs your physical and mental presence.
Physical presence: When someone initiates a conversation, they are wondering if they did the right thing. Put them at ease by demonstrating your intent to invest in the conversation. Take away all the distractions. Keep the cellphone away, shut the laptop lid, physically turn and face towards your conversation partner.
Eye contact is a powerful body language communication tool. How you make eye contact communicates your thought processes. A hard stare or shifty eye contact will send completely different cues.
If someone has intruded on your time and you have to send that important email or finish a project, just ask to postpone the conversation for the time you need. An assuring statement like, “This topic is important to both of us and I would like to give it my full attention. Can we hold this conversation in half an hour? I just need this time to finish something important”.
You have established physical presence. What you need to do is establish mental presence.
Mental presence: Sometimes you are in a conversation, but your mind is somewhere else. At times, you are having a mental conversation with yourself. Perhaps the worst of them all is, when someone is talking to you, but your mind is already preparing a judgment. “She always does this, and then comes to me to complain about her boyfriend.”
Stuck records: If you find everyone in the conversation repeating themselves, the safe conclusion is that they feel they are going unheard. If you find the sound levels getting higher, the next step is blood pressure and adrenaline surges. It is time to take a break. The best way to get a record to get unstuck is to momentarily lift the needle. Suggest a break and let the systems cool down.
Most people consider conversations to be something that you have only spontaneously. That’s true and false. You could choose to hurtle into the conversation and express exactly how you are feeling with little regard for your conversation partner’s feelings. You can establish in advance what you are going to “demand” in the conversation.
I always like to remind people that in a conversation recognise that the problem is the problem. The person is not the problem. For example, if you are having a conversation with someone who is always late on their project deadlines, you are feeling “disrespected” and the behaviour change you seek is that “projects to be submitted on time”. Now that you have segregated the two, it is easier to express your feelings and establish an action plan.
Here is where spontaneity plays an important role. Once you rehearse the outcomes, your brain has the resources to invest in the conversation. You can use those mental resources towards reading the subtle shifts and nuances to incorporate additional information that you receive as the conversation flows. As a result, the conversation grows richer and, of course, spontaneous.
The purpose and win-win statement: A conversation between romantic partners could easily start with, “I want you to know, I want to make this work and I want our relationship to grow” or “It would mean a lot to me if you spent time with my side of the family and get to know them and they could get to know you”.
Let’s say you are discussing sensitive financial matters, and the topic is credit card expenditure of your partner. It could start with “I want you to know, that no matter what is the result of the conversation,I love you and care for you. What I want is to secure our family’s financial future and adequately plan for the luxuries in our life”. The idea is not “I am going to cut up your credit card” or even worse “You are irresponsible and do not care for the money that I earn”.
You can imagine the number of quarrels that would not have been escalated if couples started with an articulated context.
Establishing a mutual win–win and shared goal smoothens the conversation journey.
If you want to have a conversation with a work colleague, it is even more important to establish context. When I used to work for FedEx, a large express distribution company, every customer service feedback session would start with purpose. A conversation would go something like this. “You do know that every package is a golden package. When a package arrives on time, our customer’s business runs smoothly. When a package is delayed, our customers incur a lot of inconvenience and perhaps even business loss, for which they hold FedEx responsible”. The statement establishes the role a courier plays in the company’s success. It raised the level of consciousness to their roles and responsibilities.
Once the conversation is grounded in purpose, beliefs, values and behaviours, the next logical step is to voice issues and establish future strategies and tactics. You have effectively taken personalities and egos out of the equation.
Establishing a mutual connect to a larger purpose, values and beliefs opens your brain to new possibilities. The journey is smoother and you travel further.
The balance of positive and negative in the conversation: Now both parties are open to having a meaningful conversation. The conversation has a flow and a structure. The key is to establish the positive and negative consequences. In tough conversations, we tend to ignore the positive wins and focus on delivering the negative message. As a result, what you could get is a passive aggressive response. The person might agree, so that the conversation gets over. The key is to balance positive and negative consequences and reinforce the message with your personal self-belief in the capability of the person.
Balancing the positive and negative consequences with your personal beliefs in the capabilities of the person ensures that the person will stick to the road.
It is easy to find out. There are some easy to remember thumb rules.
Two-ears-and-one mouth rule: You should not speak for more than one-third of the time.
The five-sentence rule: If you are speaking for more than five sentences—the ideal is three—then you are speaking for far too long.
End with a question: Do you ask open-ended questions which begin with how and why? These open-ended questions give an opportunity for your partner to speak up.
What is being suggested is that you speak for 40-60% of the time.If you are already in compliance with the above rules, then you are already on your way to being a great conversationalist.
If not, what is the way ahead? It is very simple.
This is the most difficult part for any conversationalist. If you usually respond as soon as someone has spoken, that means you have really not been present in the listening process. Your conversation partner feels cheated. You promised that you would invest your time, but the fact that you did not even wait for them to finish, implies that your brain had crossed bridges much earlier.
Why does that happen? Why do we respond immediately?
The first reason is because we are uncomfortable with silence.
The second reason we respond fast is because a slow response or a response of “let me think about it” implies a degree of incompetence or indecisiveness. Remember in school, when teacher asked a question, the prize went to the kid who was the first to raise her hand. It got ingrained in us that we had to be quick to answer or respond to a question.
The third reason is that we are geared to solve problems. Our brains get a dopamine kick when we solve a problem. On the other hand, an unresolved problem leaves us anxious and stressed.
Maybe there is no problem to solve. If your partner wants to talk about her health, it is for you to just listen to her. If your partner is having a tough time with her boss or a client, maybe she is just using you as a sounding board. Be there for support. That is your primary role. Give an opinion only when you are asked and pursued.Let the solution come from the person who needs to take the action. Let the process of discovery and exploration lead to an answer. You can take the horse to the water. But your partner is not a horse.
For example, if you are being accused of overspending on your credit card, the only thing you really need is to agree that you will not overspend the next time around.
Shut up and be an active listener
Now that you are in the flow of a conversation, listen for common ground. Listen for hopes, dreams, values and beliefs. Try to identify and articulate the perspective of the person. Once you begin to discover common ground and perspective that sets off a cycle of growth.
Stimulating conversations help you arrive at the common ground. We come away invigorated when we make a genuine connection. Conversations open us up to making a change that leads to mutual success.
Our ancestors developed conversational skills to create thriving communities and societies. Conversations established morals and value systems. Based on conversations, over centuries we moved towards equality of every individual as a universal truth. It is through conversations, we fought disease and battled natural disasters. It is through conversation that scientific discovery became a reality.
Conversations have the power to build the bonds of common humanity. Bonds based on trust and change are capable of stopping wars and conflict. I daresay healthy conversations move us onward.
It is time to foster the skill of conversations.
The author is the Founder of The Positivity Company, where he helps business leaders become more positive and productive. Birender can be reached on birender.ahluwalia@gmail.com.
