Reported By:
| Edited By: Pooja Salvi |Source: DNA |Updated: Dec 30, 2018, 06:00 AM IST
It all happened within a matter of a few seconds. Reshma Qureshi, 17 years old in 2004, was walking down a road in Allahabad when her estranged brother-in-law, accompanied by two other men including a juvenile, threw sulphuric acid on her face following a domestic dispute with Reshma’s sister Gulshan, who was by her side at that time. Some of this acid fell on Gulshan’s hands as well, but Qureshi’s face and neck bore greater damage.
“I was at a hospital in Mumbai for the next two to three months and only one thought gnawed at me – what wrong had I done to deserve this? Day in and day out I couldn’t help but feel angry, curse myself and loathe where I was,” Qureshi tells this writer over the phone.
“At first, when it happened, I didn’t even realise it was an acid attack – it was as if someone had poured scalding water on me. It was only when people around me spoke in hush-hush voices ‘it’s an acid attack’ that I knew what had really happened,” she says. During that time, Qureshi contemplated committing suicide on several occasions. She toyed with the idea so much that it seemed like the only way out of her misery.
“Even now, there are (some) days when I just want to die. However, I regain some element of control over my emotions by finding inspiration in the stories of those around me. I remember the fact that many have walked before me and survived circumstances far worse than mine. If they could do it and were brave enough to survive and inspire the next generation, I too owe that much to the world.”
It began with the decision to take control of where her life had brought her. “Ab ye meri kismat hain – mere kismat ne mujhey zindagi mey iss mukaam par laya. Aur main haarne waali nahi hu (This is my fate; my fate has brought me to this junction in my life. And I am not one to lose),” she says with conviction. “I remind myself that I will not fall victim to my attackers’ desire. They will not be the end of me. I will not give him the power – rather I will hold power over their actions and my revenge to them would be my own happiness.”
It is four years now since the attack. Over this time, a lot has happened in Qureshi’s life. She is now the face of Make Love Not Scars, a non-profit organisation based in New Delhi that works for the welfare of acid-attack survivors by assisting complete rehabilitation of survivors, providing them with financial, legal and educational help. In 2016, she walked the ramp at New York Fashion Week for designer Archana Kochhar and for Vaishali Couture. In September 2017, Qureshi walked for designer Jaheena at the Crocs Mysore Fashion Week. At the moment, she has released her autobiography, co-authored by Tania Singh, titled Being Reshma.
From incessant suicidal thoughts to setting an example all over the world, Qureshi has come a long way – it wasn’t easy. She couldn’t stop hearing different versions of ‘her life is ruined’ everywhere she went. But for the acid attack survivor, a new life had only just started. She was determined to reinvent her life, to turn the tables of the game itself.
“It took a lot from me to start believing in myself again. I thought hard – my face may be distorted, but my soul wasn’t.” She realised she had to let go of the anger she fostered inside to move on.
When this writer first spoke to actress Tanushree Dutta about her 2008 sexual harassment incident on the sets of Horn OK Pleassss, she poured her heart out. The incident was roughly a decade ago, but details lacerated her mind and soul. She sought freedom from the world and it’s struggles – searched for it in the Gita, the Bible, yoga ashrams, holistic healing centres, churches and healing journeys. The various paths that she walked on and even embarked on a journey through the Himalayas, soaking in the sun and looking for peace, made her look for answers in the valleys amongst many other journeys. Through all this, she did find something far beyond and far more profound than mere closure from the setbacks. She did not seek closure with just the harassment incident but this life itself that can sometimes just get very tough for a young, inexperienced person (the actress was all of 24 in 2008). With time, she did forget the incident and moved on with her new exciting spiritual life journey – eventually settling in the USA after walking away from Bollywood. No, she was not determined to fight for her cause, but fate brought her back to India and the rest unfolded very rapidly into a movement; much to her surprise.
It wasn’t all that easy immediately after the incident. “Things like these force a person to retreat into a shell that they hope can protect them. But really, it doesn’t,” she says. The former model was fully aware that she couldn’t move on if she continued bearing resentment.
Through this journey of claiming back her lost glory and battered pride, she demonstrated her strength and level of consciousness. It was walking through the shadows of darkness and uncertainty, anonymity and her deep spiritual journey that she learned to let go of the anger, embrace forgiveness, transcend and be free. With freedom came sharp focus, an uncanny power and resilience, wisdom and grace to take back what was lost.
Fr Suren Abreu of Our Lady of Lourdes Church in Kalyan, explains why we seek answers in temples, churches, Bibles, Gitas and mantras. “I believe that when people are desperate for answers, and find it difficult to discover them from friends or family, then religion and scriptures becomes one resource to which they turn in the hope that ancient wisdom might have some guidance. Religion is a deeply-rooted emotive experience that is usually passed down in families, and it is based on the belief and trust in a supposedly benevolent higher power. That belief nudges the person to search for help in religion or religious texts.”
He recalls assisting a woman, who was sexually abused as a child by a trusted family associate for around 10 years, in her journey towards peace. “She had to first identify the core incident itself as she had buried it in her subconscious where it continued to influence her decisions for years. After identifying and recognising the emotions involved, she could then address the issue more capable and change her negative self-perception to a healthy perception.” Another case was of a person devastated by her spouse’s infidelity. In the process of counselling, it emerged that her devastation was partly rooted in her low self-esteem from her childhood memories of being treated as second class and inferior. “Once that was recognised and addressed, she was more empowered to deal with her marital situation from a position of strength.”
A teacher of Vipassanā explains how the subconscious mind works in dictating one’s decisions and way of life. “Our subconscious mind holds the power of ‘craving’ and ‘aversion’. Things we like, we crave for; things we don’t, we are averse to. Love and happiness have us ‘craving’ to be in situations where we will get them; anger, resentment, and jealousy have us ‘aversed’ creating a hostile environment in our own minds,” she explains. Through Vipassanā, one learns how to “see things for what they are – sans craving and/or aversion.”
“Vipassanā teaches us to separate ourselves from our emotions and gauge the world through its own reality. When one is in control of how they perceive dukkha (suffering or unsatisfactoriness), anatta (non-self), and anicca (impermanence), and sunyata (emptiness), they achieve prajñā (wisdom), which is at the heart of Vipassanā,” she explains.
These teachings are not limited for the classes, but the teacher and her family apply these principles in their personal life. She tells the story of her daughter. “After an abusive marriage, she was in a very dark space. After patience didn’t set the situation straight, the daughter took to the Vipassana path – extending forgiveness to her spouse. Not justifying for his actions or taking him off the hook, but showing compassion. She told me a few nights after doing this, she had the best sleep she had in a while.”
***
If you have been fostering ill thoughts this year, maybe this story is the sign you have been looking for to let go and begin 2019 afresh...
Consider someone is in darkness and unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel. How do you suggest they get on the right direction? Fr Abreu answers. “Talking with a good and trained counsellor (religious or psychological) is a good first step,” he says. “Persons in darkness are usually capable of finding the way towards the light, but are prevented by their lack of self-faith or belief that they are too lost in their overwhelming situation.”
“A trained counsellor would empower them to see rational choices and what will prove helpful. Every problem or issue can be broken down into its component parts, and each part dealt with so as to resolve the whole.
“The counsellor-client conversation helps one to do that in a non-threatening/enabling environment. A caveat: untrained religious counsellors tend to use emotional faith techniques or suggestions rather than rational methods.”
