Stay away from pricks

I want to start off by telling everyone reading this that if you have someone in your social circle thinking about getting a tattoo, I feel your pain. You are not alone. Together, we’ll get through this.

What is it about the idea of getting a tattoo that turns people into insufferable idiots? As kids the only time you really saw tattoos was in the movies. Hollywood had the stereotypical red state Harley Davidson rider with nude angels and dragon tattoos covering both their arms like Govinda vomited on them. Bollywood stuck to twins. One of them had a mera baap chor hai tattoo drawn with a kajal stick on his forearm.

The other, usually the one that would turn into the upright action hero had his name written on his forearm just in case he grew up to be too stupid to remember his own name. We had to find a balance between these extremes. In an effort to look badass, the best we would come up with was sticking a fusen gum cover on our tongue and make it look purple.

I was quite happy at the flourishing tattoo industry in the country with people finally being able to get inked permanently till one of my own friends made a decision to get one. Why? Because till the time she finally gets one, every single conversation on the planet will somehow be on tattoos. It’s even worse than when two guys who go to the gym bump into each other and discuss each other’s abs and bench press capabilities for 45 minutes while sniggering at everyone else that doesn’t work out. The following is an actual conversation I had last week

“I’m thinking of getting a rose on my shoulder blade but that’s too done.”

“You know girls are lucky. Tattoos look damn hot peeking out from bra straps but guys can’t do that with their baniyan straps.”

“You’re not helping. What about on the ankle? Actually no you should be able to hide it easily. Look at Deepika. She would have looked so stupid if she got ‘RK’ on her ankle or lower back.”

“Is the lower back tattoo still called a tramp stamp? Has that issue been settled.”

“Why don’t guys get their lower backs tattooed?”

“Can’t see anyway, too hairy.”

Other aspects that have been discussed are needles hurting and potentially causing HIV, trying to find a reliable tattoo artist preferably from the North East ‘because they’re damn good at these things’, prices, Iodex being excellent at making them permanent like henna and being forced to look at rubbish inspirational words in various languages to see which font looks nice. For my sanity, I’ve decided to disown anyone I know if the word tattoo ever comes out of his or her mouth.

In an election year and in a week where Ukraine and Venezuela burned, Facebook bought WhatsApp and opinion polls were accused of being rigged, I thought it was important for me to tell you this. You should do it too.