Shirish Kunder is the agony uncle you never saw coming

'Too serious to have a girlfriend?'

Dear Shirish,
All my friends say — a great sense of humour is the most important quality required to woo beautiful women. But I’m not a very funny person. In fact, I’m a very serious person, sort of like Amitabh Bachchan in Zanjeer. Does that mean I’ll never be able to have a beautiful girlfriend?
- Angry Young Man

Dear Angry Young Man,
Have you heard of any princess falling in love with a court jester? Or any heroine falling in love with Johnny Lever or Johnny Walker?  Going by your own example of Zanjeer, who gets the girl — Amitabh Bachchan or Keshto Mukherjee? These are just rumours spread by comedians to make themselves feel better. So chill, be yourself, and you’ll find the perfect woman meant for you.

'Is she with me for love or my superiority and money'

Dear Shirish,
I’m a proud Hindu Brahmin and come from a very rich family. Every time I’ve a girlfriend, my father puts doubt in my mind that the girl doesn’t really love me, but is with me only because of our superiority and money. Then I’ve to dump her and go for a new girlfriend. But this time, I’ve got a very beautiful girlfriend. I don’t want to leave her, as I may not get anyone better than her. How do I find out if she actually loves me or is with me only for our superiority and money?
- Rich Brahmin

Dear Rich Brahmin,
Tell her you’re a right-winger. If she leaves you, it means she was with you only for your intelligence and not for your superiority or money.

'Quality over quantity?'

Dear Shirish,
I’m very quality-conscious. I like to do my work with perfection, and so take up only one project at a time. But my contemporaries take up multiple projects, and so have more output of work, although substandard. Sometimes, I wonder if anyone even values quality in today’s times, if my approach is wrong, and I should also do mass work like the others. Can you please solve my confusion?
- Perfectionist

Dear Perfectionist,
A mango tree never gets insecure of a banana tree that bears fruits through the year and is always in the market. Know your value.

'What's the way to a man's heart?'

Dear Shirish
I heard that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. But I can’t cook at all. So I joined a cooking class. But it was too boring, so I quit. Any other way to a man’s heart?
- Pinky

Dear Pinky,
That’s the long cut. Shortcut is to look hot. Join a gym.

'Tweet surrender'

Dear Shirish
A member of your industry, singer Abhijeet’s Twitter account has been suspended for abusing women. Many people have condemned the suspension and some have even quit Twitter in solidarity with Abhijeet. What do you plan to do in solidarity?
- Proud Indian

Dear Proud Indian,
I’m going to start tweeting double in solidarity with all those he abused.