Nonsense(R), writes Sajid Khan

When I was 10 years old, I would often go to Juhu beach with my childhood friends, indulging in our daily healthy pastime - loitering. On one such day, we saw this wannabe actor from the '80s doing stretching exercises on the beach, but in a torn (in the most conspicuous position) track pant. Being the over-smart one, while passing him, I commented, "Phat gaya track suit, dikh gaya jackfruit." Not just my friends, but also a few others around cracked up with laughter hearing me. The angry actor huffed and puffed, chased us for a bit, caught us, gave us a few taplis and said, "Bachcha hokar vulgar baat karta hai?"

For a long time after that, I kept wondering what was it about jackfruit that made it vulgar? Later, some moralistic elders explained to me that the way and manner in which I had used the word 'jackfruit' was not in good taste. Growing up a few years later, I realised that what I had said was indeed in bad taste. But I also believed that though morally I was wrong, technically I wasn't.

Adult-hued / 50 shades of 'A'
Just like most filmmakers who make films, which may or may not have adult content. But for the government who has formed the censor body, morally and technically both, they are wrong. For example: Giving Fast & Furious 7 an Adults certificate?? And still muting out cuss words in today's times???? It's exactly like giving a soldier at the border a gun, but taking away the bullets!

Let me explain. Yesterday, I bumped into my 16-year-old neighbour Nikhil who asked me if I had seen 50 Shades Of Grey. I told him I was waiting for the film's Blu-Ray disc, as the censors didn't let the film release in India. He laughed and said, "I downloaded the uncut version on my phone. Check it out."

He showed me some scenes from the film, which made me wonder why the film was called 50 Shades Of Grey? It should have been called 50 Shades Of BLUE!!! But the truth is - by not allowing this film to release in the theatres it wasn't the Censor's victory. It was democracy's defeat.

Every filmmaker is aware that the more adult-oriented his content is, the lesser is his profit margin. Yes, we are aware but our Censors aren't. Or perhaps they are, but they just don't care. For them, there is no such thing as an adult film. Their guidelines are so rigid and sometimes so stupid that even after a film has been given an Adults certificate, they still mute out cuss words and blur out "objectionable" images.

Hel-Mat

And now their guidelines have gone another ridiculous step forward. If any character is shown riding a motorcycle, he or she needs to wear a helmet or the scene will get cut! Shah Rukh Khan and Ajay Devgn must be heaving a sigh of relief that this new guideline has come into effect only now. Had it come during their debut films (Deewana and Phool Aur Kaante respectively), they would have never become stars.

Just imagine SRK's entry singing "Koi na koi chahiye…" on a bike with a helmet on and Ajay doing a side-split on two moving bikes with a helmet on! Imagine Jai and Veeru in Sholay singing the iconic "Yeh dosti" with helmets! Imagine Sanju Baba doing his bike stunts in Rocky with a helmet!

Mile-high hire

I was once travelling from London when I happened to sit alongside a former Censor Board member on the flight (no names without money, please). When she was being served, she had a conversation with the air hostess that went something like this:

Board member (pointing to a dish): What is this?

Airhostess: Madam, this is caviar.

Board member (looking perplexed): What is caviar?

Airhostess: Fish eggs, madam.

Board member (looking happy): Okay, make me a masala omelette.

Airhostess: Okay, madam.

A few years later, I heard the airhostess had also become a Censor Board member! Samajhne waale ko ishaara kaafi hai...

I guess each one of us from the film industry has a favourite censor board story to tell. And I really don't understand what all the fuss is about. Getting the right board in place for the world's largest film making industry isn't really any kind of rocket science. You just need people who have had a fair amount of education, exposure, sensibility and a bigger cinematic vision.

Cut teri ki!

I have made five films till now (for better or for worse). And I can proudly say that none of them were subjected to even a single cut. But I am not proud as a movie buff and a filmgoer. Because on one hand, our respected Prime Minister says now is the time for a young and modern India and on the other hand, his own government body (the Censor Board) treats the average viewer and filmmaker with an acute degree of Talibanism. So I would humbly like to tell the censors - beep beep beep, beep beep and beep beep beep (sorry guys, that's censored).