CELEBRITY COLUMN | Shirishly Speaking- Shirish Kunder is the agony uncle you never saw coming

'We’re all macho men, how is my son gay?'

Dear Shirish,
I’m really worried about my eight-year-old son. I fear that he’s turning gay. He’s started showing a lot of interest in my wife’s clothes, purses and shoes. He’s also become effeminate, plays with girls all the time, and seems attracted to boys. Now I’ve begun to suspect that he may not be my son after all, as no one in my entire family history has ever been gay. In fact, all the men in our family are macho men. A gay friend of my wife used to visit our home often during the period he was conceived. This could be his child! It will be really shameful if my relatives come to know of this. Should I go for a DNA test? Should I take my son for a manicure?
—Macho Man

Dear Macho Man,
Firstly, if your wife’s friend is gay, it’s very unlikely that they had an affair. Secondly, now that you’ve written to my column in DNA, it’s as good as a DNA test. Lastly, manicure is not a cure for being attracted to another man. In fact, you must go for a pedicure, for doubting your son’s pedigree.

'Jaayein toh jaaye kahaan?'

Dear Shirish,
I’m an upcoming singer. I’ve trained in singing my entire life and aspire to be a playback singer for feature films. But the current trend of actors singing in films is irritating me. Actors who cannot sing to save their life are made to sing using Autotune and Melodyne. As a result, professional singers are sitting at home with no work. And this trend seems to be only increasing with time. In such a scenario, where do we professional singers go?
—Professional Singer
 
Dear Professional Singer,
The same place where models went after actors started doing ads. Commentators went after cricketers started doing commentary. A lot of people went after apps started doing their jobs. And actors will finally go after computer graphics starts doing their job. We have to adapt with time and develop additional skills, my dear friend.

'I wanna avoid negative people on Twitter... '

Dear Shirish,
I’m a Facebook user and recently joined Twitter. But unlike Facebook, there’s a lot of negativity and abuse on Twitter. I want to keep my timeline clean and avoid all those negative people. What kind of people should I avoid?
—New Twitter User

Dear New Twitter User,
Avoid anyone who flaunts their religion in their bio. Specially with the word “Proud” before it.

'My son might think I’m a bitch'

Dear Shirish,
My four-year-old son walked in on me making out with his father’s best friend. Technically, we hadn’t started making out yet. It was just foreplay. Essentially, a lot of kissing and biting is what he has witnessed. Ever since, my son has been asking me what was I doing with uncle. I’m at a loss of a reasonable excuse and haven’t been able to answer him. It’s just a matter of time before he asks in front of my husband, and then he will think I’m a bitch. Can you please suggest me some excuse that I can tell my four-year-old son, so he stops asking me about it?
—Not a Bitch

Dear Not a Bitch,
No one looks more starved than two people making out. So tell your son, you and uncle were hungry, so were trying to eat each other. He may think you’re a cannibal, but that’s still better than a bitch.