CELEBRITY COLUMN | Shirish Kunder is the agony uncle you never saw coming

Pyaar chahiye ya mutton chahiye?

Dear Shirish,

I’m a pure vegetarian. I married a girl who is also a pure vegetarian by caste, but she had confessed that she loves mutton and eats out. Since she was very beautiful, I agreed to marry her on the condition that she will never have mutton again anywhere. But recently, I came to know that she has still been eating mutton secretly outside. Now she says she loves mutton and can’t live without it. I’m willing to forgive her one more time and have given her an ultimatum, “It’s the mutton or me. Make a choice.” But now I’m scared. What if she chooses mutton? It’ll be very embarrassing. Who do you think will she choose?
Pure Veg

Dear Pure Veg,

Congratulations, you just set a new record. This is the first love triangle where a girl has to choose between a man and a goat. As for who she will choose — one can live without love but not without food. Take a guess.

No money, but I want a startup

Dear Shirish,

I dropped out of college because I hate studies. I want to start my own startup but I don’t have enough money to invest. I have little money now. What should I invest in that will help me start my startup?
Dropout

Dear Dropout,

Invest in a garage. Apple, Microsoft and Google started in a garage.

Baby got back. Take her back?

Dear Shirish,

My girlfriend unceremoniously dumped me one fine day and went off, saying, “Let go. If it’s meant to be, I will be back.” And now after two years, she has come back. I’m confused. What does this mean? Should I take her back?
Joy

Dear Joy,

It means she tried to find someone better, but didn’t find anyone, so has come back. If you also didn’t find anyone better, beggars can’t be choosers, take her back. But if you did, change your locks, unfollow her on Twitter, unfriend her on Facebook, block her on WhatsApp, and move on.

Stuck on the lips...

Dear Shirish,

My girlfriend is much shorter than me and so I only get to kiss her upper lip. But I love kissing lower lips. What should I do?
Lambu

Dear Lambu,

Kiss her upside down like Spiderman.

Kitabein bahut si khareedi hai maine!

Dear Shirish,

I recently went to a bookshop, got carried away, and ended up buying 100 books. But it takes me one month to finish reading a book. So in a year, I will only be able to read 12 books. It will take me eight years to finish reading the books I’ve already bought. 

How to finish reading faster?
Book Lover

Dear Book Lover,

You need more time. So find a bookshop that also sells the time to read them.