Empathy at workplace: How much is too much?

Emotional attachment at work can drain you.

You don't know and you don't have any idea how wrong this can go. I will lose him forever then - This was Hardik Shukla, team manager of an IT-enabled services firm, with tearful eyes explaining about a work situation. Shukla had mentored a junior, who, in turn, started treating him as an elder brother. Both spent long hours together at work and after, too. The situation became alarming when Shukla started hiding his junior's mistakes. One such faux pas costed a work order. Senior management invited me to intervene as they thought it was an emotional crisis. Indeed, it was emotional, but not a crisis. Shukla was suffering from overdose of empathy.

In the right context, empathy is the biggest asset at the workplace. If and once it crosses personal boundaries, the burden of carrying a demanding relationship can drain out a person. Why does this happen? India has an emotion-driven culture. Relations are of utmost importance and we are taught since childhood to let self-interest go in the wake of helping others. On top of it, not breaking up with painful relations is seen as a sign of patience and being a team player. So what can be done to avoid it?

Ask yourself: Check your workplace relationships with a strong magnifying glass. Are there people who are constantly asking for help? Maybe they hold you in high esteem but it drains you out? Many times, you feel that the amount of problem-solving you do is not soaking in and they are not growing up? If you answered "yes" twice, someone is taking you for granted and depleting your energy.

Don't snap ties: Helping people is a personal choice. One might overdo it and realise later. That does not give anyone a reason to cut off another person. You have been close friends and creating a sudden distance will result in a showdown. Anyway, workplace tie-ups are here to stay and the chances of keeping meeting in corridors are plenty and inevitable. So don't make it an ugly gossip point.

Level up: Raise the level of conversation. Most people involved in such emotional connections get into the personal zone of the other person. Sometimes, it may be totally unintentional but they cross the line. Whether you are into any emotional connection or not, keep your off work chats simple and non-intrusive. Sometimes, a sentimental colleague may try to find solace by talking about personal issues. As long as you are in hearing mode and not jumping on the boat of brotherhood, it's fine.

Pass the buck: Is there someone in the office who likes to mentor people? Your emotionally-connected colleague can be shifted there. A catch here is to brief the mentor very clearly. The last thing one wants in office is to have is a cult, with employees becoming typically dependent on each other.

Nurture independence: All said and done, no one can nurse anyone forever. Even our own children grow up and leave the nest. Withdraw that personal touch slowly. Going to the tea stall, catching a puff and gossiping about others, talking about personal information, everything has to go away, albeit slowly. Remember that the dependency is always two-way and withdrawal will give symptoms of loneliness to both. That's why not cutting off but moving out is crucial.

Learn to refuse: Such dynamics happen because it's a weird feeling of being wanted. Emotional attachment is demanding and controlling. If you have decided to move out, find your balance first. A new hobby, extra work at the office, meeting new people at social networking or official tours, if possible, can instil a sense of freedom and self-sufficiency.

If handled well, workplace friendships can keep you happy and focused. It creates a positive environment and builds a team of less distracted people. Eventually, it would be a great network that might leave the organisation, but not friendships. Human beings are social by nature and we love giving advice. Just keep boundaries right and remember, the best leaders do not create followers. They create more leaders.

The writer is strategic advisor and premium educator with Harvard Business Publishing