The mommy society awaits you, Ms Aishwarya Rai

I never thought I’d live to say this, but I feel sorry for Aishwarya Rai. When her father-in-law outed her pregnancy just as people announce what they’ve had for dinner on Twitter, the irritatingly beautiful and perfect Ms Rai became one of us — she joined the secret sorority of angst that is motherhood. The envy I’ve nursed against her ever since my husband said he met her and couldn’t look at her directly because like the sun her beauty was too overpowering has now melted into pure empathy.

What else can I feel as someone who’s yet to recover from progesterone poisoning? I mean even before the world knew of her plus one status, they were talking about her being plus size.

The poor woman probably had her head down the bog enjoying the joys of morning sickness when the papers would have arrived. If Abhishek Bachchan’s a kind husband, he would probably have been trying to hide all the headlines which said ‘Weight and Watch?’ or ‘Aishwarya’s weighty issues’. All I know is that I never had to walk down any red carpet and no one was waiting to click my picture. But all throughout my pregnancy I would keep looking at my belly and my bottom in the mirror and say — how much bigger are you going to get? Before displaying a fashionable baby bump that poor woman has already been called the f-word!

I can’t even imagine what Aishwarya Rai is doing to prepare for her first public appearance after the announcement. I hope she’s put her money to good use and hired some proper stylists, which is a little doubtful going by her previous record. I hope they don’t put her in a faux-flattering empire waist dress, because any formerly pregnant woman will tell you that it just ends up literally giving you heartburn, and make you stay up through the night. I know because once when I decided that I wanted to dress like Padma Lakshmi (who was pregnant when I was pregnant and set obviously unrealistic standards), I wore this little jacket which buttoned just next to my ribcage, giving a little bit of shape to my otherwise ballooning five-months gone body. The make-up person had thoughtfully covered my face with dark powder trying to create a jawline on an otherwise puffy face, and I was confidently walking into the studio, when I felt that urge which pregnant women feel. It was four minutes before I went on-air, and I had to purge. ‘Guys, I don’t think I can do this,’ I said to the studio director. ‘What?’ ‘I’m feeling very sick.’ ‘Don’t worry, just do the headlines.’ ‘I can’t.’ ‘You have to, just the headlines.’

I guess these lessons are just a primer for motherhood. There was nothing to be done other than being sick in studio, wiping your face with a piece of paper, making sure none of it is in your hair, and then turning to the camera, pasting a smile and saying — “Good Evening, you’re watching NDTV and these are our headlines.”’ The headlines are bound to follow you, Ms Rai, and through the course of the next few months, many of them may not gush about your maternal glow. But don’t worry, it’s all a breeze compared to what awaits you on the other side — that’s one advice which smug mothers have got right. You aren’t short of fans but the mommy society has just joined their ranks. And we’ll certainly cheer more if you show us your stretch marks.    

— Sunetra Choudhury is an anchor/reporter for NDTV and is author of the election travelogue Braking News