For Higgs’ sake, it is not the God particle

I was at a religious event in the family this week when I heard about the fact that the folks at CERN announced the potential discovery of something that the media decided to call the ‘God particle.’ I have one response to that but before I state my response, I must first grow an impressive handlebar moustache, mutton chops sideburns, an Afro hairdo, wear a suit, procure a 9mm Star Model B, point it at the face of anyone who calls it the ‘God particle,’ remove the safety catch, put my finger on the trigger and politely dare them, double dare them, to say ‘God particle’ one more time and suffix my politely worded threat with an American expression popularly known in India as ‘beep’ on TV.

Science reporting is dubiously misleading at best and atrociously inaccurate the rest of the time. There’s a reason for that. White papers in science are not written for the consumption of someone traveling from Chennai to Delhi on the Grand Trunk Express looking for a steamy potboiler to read while safely ensconced in the upper berth. Newspapers, on the other hand, are. So, as a popular online cartoon once pointed out, a science paper that announces that scientists have achieved a 10% reduction in cancerous cells in a rat’s tail using a new chemical concoction will quite obviously get translated to a ‘Cancer cured!’ headline in the press. Alongside the photo of a skimpily clad model who once contributed to a cancer charity.

But hey, it’s unfair to look down on the media’s efforts to simplify what is quite obviously arcane mathematics for an audience that has largely passed physics exams by the strategic use of the last three years’ question papers published by D Chand and Sons in Nai Sarak, Old Delhi. But the problem with simplification is that the most important things in life can only be simplified up to a point, and beyond that, it’s a bit like downloading a 64kbps MP3 of an Eric Clapton song from cooltoad.com and expecting it to sound hi-fidelity.

So what’s the problem with the ‘God particle’ metaphor? It’s supremely lazy, that’s what. We used to worship the forces of nature at some point, but no one looks at the Mumbai monsoons today and says, ‘That’s god attending a call of nature,’ do they? As science shines the light of understanding on things that were mysteries in the past, we cease to ascribe supernatural qualities to those things. So this is one of those ‘oh, so this thing confers mass on everything else, it’s got to be divine surely’ attempts to hijack science into the Deepak Chopra-esque realms of pseudo-sciento-spiritual mumbo jumbo. Just like corporate types hijack the language of the street and turn them into lifeless zombie-like business jargon (like ‘hip-hop’ for example), this ‘God particle’ business ultimately clouds any possible clarity in understanding the actual relevance of this discovery.

I suppose this is the moment in this essay when you expect me to provide that clarity. Fat chance. I am only interested in pointing out that the ‘God particle’ moniker does not work. It’s like taking the collective works of William Shakespeare and calling it ‘God’s crow feather that wrote these words.’ This is not about whether or not there is a divine entity. This is about giving credit where credit’s due. We name butterflies after the lepidopterist who first spotted them. We name comets after folks who find them. This is the Higgs Boson. Suffixed by popular American curse word known locally as ‘beep.’

God may or may not exist and I frankly don’t care. This is a particle that has no spin, no charge and is very unstable, decaying almost instantaneously after its creation. If that sounds particularly divine, go ahead and call it the ‘God particle.’ Wait. Actually, that description does fit quite a few deities I know, but that’s beside the point.

Unlike in the past, I don’t let my atheism get in the way of being polite to people who invite me to eat delicious food at religious festivals. Actually, I don’t let anything get in the way of that, so having said that, if someone is conducting a satsang to celebrate the discovery of the God particle and serving snacks at the end of it, sign me up.

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