Will #MeToo impede India’s culture of toxic masculinity?

The Aziz Ansari case, where the actor has been accused of allegedly imposing himself on a woman despite receiving negative signals from her has started a new debate on consent. The case itself has caused much debate and drawn fault lines among men and women, old feminists and new feminists. All this can be seen as an extension of the #MeToo movement which started last year and enabled women to come out with stories of sexual abuse and harassment faced by them.

Here in India too, the #MeToo movement caught on, especially in higher academics as many women came out with names and stories of sexual harassment by professors and administrators. While there is a divide amongst feminists about the methodology of this movement, especially about the strategy of naming and shaming and its effect on the due process, it has helped to bring out the sexism and misogyny generally prevalent in academic circles which many people were aware of but seldom talked about.

Post the Aziz Ansari case, there has been an argument floating around in public discourse that here in India, how can we talk about consent and other related issues when women get raped every day. Of course, in India, growing incidences of rape are an urgent problem. However, arguing that we shouldn’t talk about consent or its many aspects would be a very myopic approach since sexual harassment and abuse are also part of the rape culture.

For years, issues related to gender have been often touted as women’s issues. Men have always stayed away from these debates. The focus always has been on women while it is men who are responsible for rape, sexual harassment and everyday sexism. It is time to bring men at the centre of the debate.

Patriarchy, of course, is the root of the problem. But what enables men is the culture of toxic masculinity. In our society, men are taught to be tough and masculine. As children, they are told not to cry and often discouraged when they express their emotions. When these men grow up, they tend to huddle into groups, creating safe zones where they could affirm this masculinity. It happens in schools and colleges, where men tend to have all-boys groups and clubs, which derive pleasure in constantly objectifying women. They also compete with each other in a race where their sexual relationship with a woman becomes a symbol of their masculine prowess. 

This creates a culture where it becomes all right to ‘hit’ on women. It becomes alright to objectify women and talk about their body parts. The more derogatory they are towards women, the more they are hailed as ‘alpha males’. It is from here that men learn to normalize sexual assault as casual flirtation. Men who might not want to participate in this show of masculinity are boycotted and considered inferior. Films and other mediums have only contributed to that culture. A man and a woman can’t be friends, a message that has been often conveyed in films. Toxic masculinity emphatically declares that the only relationship between an adult man and a woman can be a sexual one.

In most cases, this kind of toxic masculinity is carried by men throughout their lives, in backroom office gossip or while having an all-boys night out. Otherwise, they express it in the form of sexist jokes in messaging groups or in the misogynistic comments on social media. This culture has such an impact on men that some of them are even unable to emotionally connect with women and find it difficult to reach out when they need to.

It’s hardly surprising then, that even educated, well-read men are often found wanting when it comes to their behaviour towards women. They simply don’t understand a woman’s body, her rights, and her space because they have spent their whole lives being guided by their idea of masculinity.

There has to be a multi-pronged approach to the crisis that we have created in this country. Sex education is essential and it must start early and must continue even in college. It has to go beyond just sex and talk about gender roles and aim to develop one’s understanding of bodies and appropriate behaviour. 

Finally, there needs to be a greater conversation between men and women, and amongst men and women on gender issues. The culture of toxic masculinity must be talked about and men must be taught that is okay for them to cry or to express themselves. Men should be encouraged to take up different gender roles, a stay at home dad is no less masculine than a corporate shark. This would go a long way in demolishing the barriers which create a rift between men and women. 

For years, the onus of having conversations about rape culture, patriarchy and gender-related issues have been on women. It is time for men to join that conversation. That is the best way forward if we want an equal, more progressive society, one where women feel safer and where men participate equally in fighting the evils of patriarchy.

The author is a poet and activist based in Delhi. Views expressed are personal