Second innings in marriage

It has been over 100 years since Raja Ram Mohan Roy in 19th century revolutionised the social custom of remarriage, especially widow remarriage by abolishing Sati. One would have thought enough time has gone by for this custom to have taken firm roots.

However, the matter is still not above board and there are still some NGOs that act as champions of the cause. More recently, a television soap became a crusader for this social custom.

On invitation from the TV show, I was in Mumbai this week attending a panel discussion on the pros and cons, challenges and contemporary complexity involving context of second marriages in India.

Many perspectives were raised. There are two major reasons for remarriage — death of the spouse and divorce. Some counsellors were of the opinion that second marriage in the case of divorce is relatively more difficult since the other party is in the know of the situation. There is a general thought that the divorcee is not able to adjust to relationships and therefore there is a possibility of another separation. To that extent, widow remarriage has more acceptance in urban areas.

In rural India, the scene is far more informal. In some tribes, the girl has the right to quit the wedding by standing before a Panchayat and declaring that she prefers to live with another man.

The only penalty is each time she marries, the man has to give Rs5,000 to her present family. Divorces, in the legal sense, do not happen and if the man abandons the woman she can start to live with someone else. Marrying the 'mama' (maternal uncle) in such cases is quite prevalent in south India.

People from the marriage bureau felt that if the incumbent has kids, it is better to find a match with a kid so that the family gets complete. Although there are some severe adjustment problems in the beginning, it proves beneficial in the long run. It is heartening to know that there are several online portals, dating sites and bureaus that cater specifically to second marriages.

If either party has teenagers in the family, it can get quite tricky. A case in question is Hollywood actor Woody Allen who was caught in a complicated case of misbehaving with his step-daughter before he went ahead and married her. He was in his seventies at that time and she was less than half of his age.

Marriages in India bear a religious or a spiritual dimension. Unlike the west, it is not a contract. Therefore marrying for the sake of children is the most common excuse given in case of second marriages.

Few people are able to attribute that the real reason that remarrying is for their own sake, sometimes to fight loneliness or to find financial security. Since men in India are not very domesticated, cooking and cleaning at the home can be quite a difficult chore. A woman in the house is indispensable in such cases. Also, since women in India are not normally financially independent, the man provides this security. Thus, remarriage clearly serves a basic mutual benefit.

Raja Ram Mohan Roy may have sown the seeds of widow remarriage with the Widows Remarriage Act that came into force in 1856 but several centuries later, we are still contending with legal, psychological, social and emotional aspects of second marriages.

The writer is  an entrepreneur and educationist
shroffmp@gmail.com