Love in the time of #MeToo

Last week, at a lovely literary festival, I was sitting among India’s top-most authors and journalists. As the literary garb fell under the onslaught of free booze, a writer’s must-have, a male author told me that he’d been meaning to ask another female author out for months but had lost his chance forever.

Why, I asked. 

“Because of all this #MeToo, yaar,” he said despondently. “If I ask her out she might say I sexually harassed her. If I go out with her she might say I raped her. There is no right way for men to approach women these days.”

I’d heard this before, from many men and many women.

Men are asking: Can we still approach women? Will a compliment like, “You’re looking nice” be misconstrued as an unwanted advance? Will flirting be misunderstood as sexual harassment? Will courtship be confused with predatory behaviour? Will foreplay be considered assault? Will sex be considered non-consensual? Will decent men become victims of collateral damage? Men are finding it hard to figure out where the line is these days. Meanwhile, women are disenchanted, disillusioned and angry, especially with men in power. They’re asking: Do men think of every woman as an object? Do they know how to respect women? Has momentary pleasure morphed into eternal perversion?

Yes, #MeToo has revealed that courtship is not the six-pack abs we imagined it to be but a paunchy perv gyrating to pelvic thrusts. In the midst of this are angry whispers claiming that #MeToo has killed love. That it’s put a dent in our idea of romance and sent romantic imagination to abstinence.

At it’s very core, the purpose of sex is to bring two people together in further solidarity and lead to the propagation of humanity, as eugenics dictate. Sex drives the world in Freud’s and many other philosophers’ words. But in our culture sex is now analogous with harassment, objectification, vulgarisation and decomposition. It has denigrated to misappropriation, stalking and diminution of women — as appropriated by Bollywood — and lurking sex predators at the workplace. Sexual assault threatens the sanity and cohesion of a potential relationship, and of a society. This is where the more fundamental task — what alone will help stem the rot long-term — of weaning toxicity out is a necessary foundation of life. That’s how #MeToo has added a nuance to dating that did not exist before. For instance, it seems we have finally understood that flirting is different from harassment due to its intent and reciprocation. It’s about being charming and testing the waters for mutual attraction with another person, whereas harassment is making unwanted advances that demean, threaten, intimidate or threaten someone.

It’s showed us that if you’re a man in power then you can no longer use your position to further sexual opportunities. You can no longer be protected by our culture of impunity granted to your gender. Your sexual coolness will have to be followed up by sexual safety and respect.

If you’re a man, my advice to you is simple: Read verbal and non-verbal cues. If a woman you’re hitting on avoids eye contact, moves away from you, does not engage in conversation, or tells you directly or indirectly that she’s uncomfortable with your words, jokes or gestures, then back off. Wearing a short dress, smoking, drinking, partying, laughing, being out at night, does not mean she wants sex. One man’s banter is another woman’s harassment. Never forget that.

If you’re a woman, my advice to you is simple: If you want to say yes then say yes, if you want to say no then say no. We’ve been raised in a culture that tells us to always say ‘yes’ and never say ‘no’. This has to stop. If you like a guy, tell him you’re interested. If you don’t like a guy, tell him that you’re not interested. If you’re reaching a moment of assault, and you’ll know when it’s happening, do not freeze, run. Save yourself.

As a society we need to finish this conversation. For #MeToo does not stop at pointing fingers at the famous men who’ve been accused, or moan about an us versus them. No. #MeToo is about bringing systemic change that forces the behaviour of both men and women to change, and to examine what their behaviour leading up to it was. If #MeToo has taught us anything it is exactly this: That for the first time in India, women are being heard and listened to without being judged or dismissed. For the first time we’re showing women the kind of love they deserve. For the first time we’re seeing women as people.

#MeToo, at its heart, can encourage real romance, respectful relationships and dignity for all. It can offer palliatives to counter love’s jaunty rakishness with love’s soothing balm. It can provide a revalidation of love. Love stems foremost from mutual respect. Thanks to #MeToo the epoch of true love has begun, no longer a Mother India or a Lalita Pawar but a Madhuri Dixit with its aphorism scribbled onto the rock of sanity. At last.

The writer is a multiple award-winning author