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A tale of two idiots and vada pav smudges

Friday, 27 June 2014 - 6:00am IST Updated: Thursday, 26 June 2014 - 8:51pm IST | Place: Mumbai | Agency: dna

Something strange happened at Pali Naka a few days ago as I was biting into my first vada pav after weeks of being away. The vada pav caused strange olfactory oscillations by unceasingly smelling of good governance. You may want to ask me how could I know what good governance smells like to which I would most humbly submit that good governance is like human excreta, when you smell it, you know it. 

There is no better way to put it. 

When did vada pav fall into the good governance trap I wondered? As far as I knew it was a food item and its national duty was to be consumed. Not to govern or to be governed. Just then, I saw the paper on which the vada pav had been served: a top-secret super classified transcript belonging to the intelligence bureau. I had always suspected the vada pav seller in Pali Naka of being an intelligence agent but I had never expected him to be so highly placed that memos were routinely channeled through him even while he was undercover. 

At first, like a good citizen I ignored the contents of the memo. But as soon as I was done with the vada pav I couldn’t contain myself. Now I can’t help but share it. 

Some portions of the document got smudged -- I wiped my sticky fingers -- but I think I have salvaged most of the document. I understand I can be arrested for it. While others in my situation in the past have at this point cried “joke, joke, joke” in order to preempt a government crackdown, I shall do no such thing. If this were a joke why would I even be writing it?

Intelligence Bureau Memo number _______. To ______ From ______ 

Transcript of the meeting between ______ and _______ Code: Two Idiots. ID 1, ID 2.

Transcript Mode: Informal. Security clearance: Burn after reading. 

After the photo op, ID 1 and ID 2 enter the secret chamber in the PMO which has only one listening device --- ours. They sit across from each other. Together they look like Mercury revolving round the sun except that it’s impossible to say who is mercury and who is the sun.

ID 1: I love your work Mr _____
ID 2: I love your work too Mr _____. Not just that, your hairstyle, especially the way it compliments your…
ID 1: Did you watch Dhoom 3?
ID 2: As if you care? Forget the peripheries. Let’s do some nation building. Tell me something. What is your idea of history?
ID 1: History is what we make of it. 
ID 2: We, as in?
ID 1: The actors. 
ID 2: Oh the actors. Right. You mean changing textbooks openly?
ID 1: Yes. And secretly if need be. Depends on the project. As actors we must have the courage to change the script as we go. The Director is just a…
ID 2: Party president. My point, totally, My guys don’t get it. 
ID 2: Smudge 
ID 1: Smudge
ID 2: Smudge
ID 1: Black or white a movie ticket is a movie ticket. 
ID 2: Here or in Switzerland. 

The two participate in a high five. 

ID 1: I would love to play you. 
ID 2: We’ve hired Paresh Rawal for the job. You can try Hitler.
ID 1: People won’t like it. 
ID 2: When has that stopped us? 

The two laugh. ID 2 looks around suspiciously. 

ID 2: I am sorry. Can’t laugh too loudly till the rains come. 
ID 1: Smudge
ID 2: (inaudible) 
ID 1: I can help you with that. But promise me no snooping. 
ID 2: (Inaudible)

The two hug each other like brothers. ID 1 leaves. ID 2 vacantly stares at the ceiling not knowing our listening device is concealed there. 

Smudge. Smudge. Smudge. 

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