China vs US: The balloon wars

As the Green Comet passes the Earth, for the first time in 50,000 years, astrologers, soothsayers, and all religious leaders are scratching their heads, not knowing what it portends. Its previous visit must have occurred nearly 50,000 years back, perhaps during the Stone Age, when none of the existing religions had not even made their debut. The time had not come for people claiming to see visions, dreams, or hearing voices. During this second visit, the Green Comet has decided to maintain a safe distance of 26 million miles to 27 million miles (about 42 million kilometres to 44 million kilometres) away from human civilization, so that nobody gets ideas to send another Hayabusa 2 like spacecraft that landed on an asteroid and scooped surface materials, to study its secrets. So, humans will have to continue to be puzzled by what Shakespeare said in Julius Caesar: “When beggars die there are no comets seen; The heavens themselves blaze forth the death of princes.”

As world leaders kept guessing about whom the Green Comet might target, Americans saw a strange looking object floating at a height of 60,000 to 65,000 feet. Initial suspicion was that it might be a UFO with aliens on board to attack America. Was the Green Comet warning of an impending galactic war? Fears and anxieties were soon assuaged when it was discovered that the object was only a Chinese balloon, but had the size of 3 buses, and crammed with snooping equipment. The Chinese balloon displaced the Green Comet and hogged all public attention around the world. American intelligence agencies announced that the object was a ‘spy in the sky’. Time was too short to seek the help of the UK to send James Bond to do a Moonraker job.

Meanwhile the Chinese were trying to convince everyone that the balloon over the American skies was as harmless as a Chinese Lantern that children play with. Just as Joe Biden began dithering, the Chief of

Intelligence whispered to him that Malcolm S. Forbes had warned: "The only difference between men and boys is the price of their toys".

It was finally decided that the time had come for Captain America to take charge, and destroy that diabolical Chinese balloon. Two F-22 jet fighters were scrambled and one unleashed an AIM-9X Sidewinder missile on the defenceless Chinese balloon, which met a watery grave near Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Americans rejoiced and recalled the famous scene in the James Bond movie Skyfall where 007 (Daniel Craig) swims in a glowing rooftop pool with glorious views over the neon-lit skyline of Shanghai. It also gave Joe Biden a Quantum of Solace, but not for Xi Jinping, who was busy playing with balloons, with his Communist party cadres. After much discussion in the Politburo of the Chinese Communist Party, it was announced that some more harmless and defenceless balloons are floating over Latin America and maybe India.

However, the Balloon Wars have started. Soon every nation on the planet will ask their militaries to play with balloons, in order to familiarise themselves with the evolving hi-tech technology of balloon warfare. Intelligence reports also indicate that the Chinese may soon experiment with spying using Kites. Balloon warfare, and Kite warfare are set to revolutionize 21st century aerial warfare. Billions of dollars have been promised for research to develop new generation missiles to handle the threat of balloon warfare. 2023 is set to be not the Chinese year of the rabbit but of balloons and kites!

The writer is the Former Director General, National Academy of Customs, Indirect Taxes and Narcotics.