The fine art of pursuit

If recent disclosures, confessions and revelations are anything to go by, Indian men are terrible at flirting. That flirting is an art, a game, if played well, can leave both the parties on a high, and with a favourable impression on each other's mind — has been beyond our men. They are good at stalking though. And that has been legitimised by our scriptures and our films.

The heavy handed manner in which men pursue us, whether in a social scenario or in private says a lot about how little they know women, or how they give two hoots about their consent.

Flirting can be delightful — when the parties are at par, they spar, they engage, they play footsie with their words and their gestures. But you leave the dish a little longer than necessary on the griddle, it turns ashen to the taste. It requires a sleight of hand, a certain lightens of touch. None of which is their forte. Which explains why we get so excited with a song where a girl and boy wink at each other in slow motion.

The biggest problem that Indian men face, when it comes to wooing, impressing women in social settings, is their complete lack of sophistication. To make yourself seem attractive to a stranger is an art. It does not work at all if you are so full of yourself that you can barely construct a sentence without an 'I'. Or send pictures of your private parts on Snapchat.

But try telling that to the Chetan Bhagats and former stand-up comedians of the #MeToo world, who believe they are god's gift to womankind. Or the numerous other men, whose attempts at flirting with and impressing women are obnoxious, to say the least. I look at some of the instances that have come to light in the #MeToo movement and I wonder, when is it that we will know the difference between flirting and harassment?

I am also concerned about the other thing. I recall the many instances I have been complimented by a male colleague or had a drink or two with them after work, or even danced with them at office parties. I also recall the many instances, I have said something to my male colleagues on a day they looked good, without having to worry about the consequences. Should we really take the joy out of perfectly normal, healthy social interactions at our workplaces by being over cautious?

It is a tricky proposition.

Because most men do not know where to draw the line. You can tell, with the instincts of a woman, when a man is genuinely complimenting you or saying something nice to you, and when he is being a perv. You can tell, even before you has the audacity to lay a finger on you, of his intentions. Just by the way he looks at you, talks to you. There are also some nasty surprises, that unpack at the first contact with alcohol.

There are men, with a deep sense of entitlement. Who are successful, influential, in position of power. For them, flirting is all about imposing their will, their physical and psychological heft on a woman who is a conquest, a prey, a 'squeeze.' They wilfully ignore the issue of consent, and suffer from such delusions of grandeur that they cannot believe that a woman may be turned off by their advances, which in their own head, is a smooth move.

A friend in advertising was telling me the other day that apparently, men are moving around with their hands in their pockets and looking at their toes while talking to women these days. I am still laughing my head off at the picture, even though I think it is quite unfortunate actually. I would rather we looked at each other in the eye and shook hands instead.

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