Now they tell me sexuality is fluid, but for the longest time it confused me. Even as a child of five, feelings stirred in ‘those’ regions when I saw a shirtless Hrithik Roshan or Brad Pitt. But I was also uncharacteristically possessive of my female friends, always wanting them to spend all their time with me; jealous of their other (girl)friends. An urge to kiss them would come over me when we were alone and I would also look for ways to be solo together. School rituals like sharing changing rooms after swimming, thrilled me.

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When the time came to have boyfriends, I moulded myself into some sort of a chaperone — all the boyfriends would have to go through me to approach my ‘best friend’.

I became an irreplaceable alibi for sneaky dates and I made sure the boys knew who came first with her. Slowly, there were whispers about me being a bit ‘weird’. My friends’ boyfriends starting bringing their friends to woo me out of the way. And then one day, one guy said it, “Is she a lesbo or something?”

Was I ‘lesbo’? But then what about all the heavy petting I was doing with that boy from tuition class? I started paying attention to my feelings after that. I didn’t have short hair, nor did I dress like a boy, but I wasn’t skirt-wearing feminine either. The magazines would have called my style androgynous.

I certainly had an appetite for boys, going through one boyfriend after another, but with them, I missed the understanding conversations I would have with girls.

Boys had to be reminded to do things like get me a treat to eat on a PMS day, or rub my ankles, but my girlfriends and I would do that naturally — hug and kiss each other; help clear the table; and compliment each other frequently and ask, ‘Hey, is everything okay?’

To test whether I was really ‘lesbo’ I kissed a friend when we were alone. What would she do? Would she hit me? Would she tell everyone what I did? She just pulled back and became quiet. She ignored me for a few days, and then told me she had feelings for me too.

We slowly eased into a clandestine relationship at 19. It seemed like the most natural thing, but I was afraid of the sexual part.

We fooled around often but I was repulsed by the thought of going all the way. As she grew firmer in her beliefs, she gave me an ultimatum to dump him and declare our relationship.

We were together for five years, and I dated men off and on. Some of the relationships also lasted longer than a year, but I was never able to ‘come out’ as a lesbian, or even as a straight person.

We finally broke up and I have never had another girlfriend. But I am not able to commit to a man either.

(The writer is a 27-year-old chartered accountant based in Mumbai)

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