The migratory wives' club

More often than not, long-distance relationships end in separation. Ironically, relationships that result in committment and relocation, can be harder on the couple.

They do, after all, involve leaving your comfort zone to start afresh with the love of your life. After the initial whirlwind of dinners with his family and friends, everyone returns to routine. Their routine. This could leave you at a loose end, a lonely one at that. So how does one tap into a new social circuit?

To the extroverts, the answer seems obvious: Get out there and do your thing. Bangalore-based Shilpi Adya, had little to no apprehension when she moved to the US two weeks after her wedding. “Being an army brat, I was open to exploring.

I wanted to move around and be independent as soon as possible. I even got lost one day,” she says. But that was part of the adventure. Within a few weeks, she was volunteering at a used-book store, where she made several new connections.

Noora D’Mello, whose 10-year marriage has taken her from India to Brazil to Indonesia and back, believes in addressing the situation as a learning opportunity. This culture junkie and social butterfly, made the most of her time in Rio; enrolling for  Portuguese classes to overcome the language barrier and even starting a club for the wives in her husband’s company.

“Different places offer so many  new and interesting learning experiences... cooking classes, Cirque du Soleil, Carnaval...” she enthuses. She currently spearheads the India chapter of the club. Their recent activities include a Warli painting class for kids, visits to heritage sites in South Mumbai, and a quilting project that encourages learning about traditional Indian textiles and embroidery. For those looking to start a migratory wives club, Noora advises, “Do your research with an open mind.

Don’t trust a single source; ask people for reviews. Lonely Planet guides can be quite helpful.”

Private organisations aren’t the only ones making the transition easier on employees and their spouses. The Indian defence services have had a social cushion in place, for servicemen and their families, for years.

Shachi Marathe, a Delhi-based naval wife and freelance IT professional, elaborates, “Wives welfare associations for the army, navy and air force, have classes from standard cooking to candle-making, primarily targeted at newly-weds or people new to a place. We have social gatherings too.” Having shifted five cities in the last five years, Shachi says, “you tend to cross paths with the same set of people over time, which makes settling in easier”.

In some cases, a socially charged environment can be more burdensome than helpful. In 2006, marriage took Ginza George, another service wife, from her comfort zone in Pondicherry to the cloistered town of Arakkonam, Tamil Nadu. Unable to relate to the social programming designed for her benefit, the introvert withdrew into a cocoon of depression.

Things changed when she conceived her first child. “If you want a family and social life, you have to think about people around you. I’ve managed to make two circles of friends: a small one within the defence community; and another online via Twitter and my food blog.” Since shifting to Goa, Ginza rediscovered her passion for dance through aerobics, started a vacation rental service and also freelances as a content writer.

Her biggest support though, is her patient, level-headed husband. In a similar situation, Florida-based Tabitha Fernandes got herself certified as a cake decorator. “I’ve been getting a lot of orders and have made a whole bunch of friends of different races. It changed my relationship with my husband. Emotionally, I am stronger, more confident.”

Ambica Sharma, once a journalist and now a stay-at-home mom, who moved from Delhi to Mumbai, sums it up, “Be self reliant; don’t get bogged down by loneliness. Everyone isn’t going to turn out to be a close friend, but it’s okay to have people say, ‘I’ll call you for a walk in the compound.’ And that’s good enough.”

“If you want a family and social life, you have to think about people around you. I’ve managed to make two circles
of friends” —Ginza George

“Wives welfare associations for the army, navy and air force, have classes from standard cooking to candle-making, primarily targeted at newly-weds or people new to a place ” —Shachi Marathe

“Different places offer so many new and interesting learning experiences... ” —Noora D’Mello

“I’ve been getting a lot of orders and have made a whole bunch of
friends of different races. It changed my relationship with my husband. Emotionally, I am stronger,more confident” —Tabitha Fernandes