Moving out of a relationship

"I had never thought of being single at the age of 45. But then again, when you’re faced with no other option, you are compelled to make things work for yourself. The sad part is that more than the divorce itself, it’s the people around who make life difficult,” says Meera Desai, whose 12-year-old marriage came to an end without a warning. Even 32-year-old Moumita Sen, who left her parents and moved in with her boyfriend (who was from a different religion) and eventually got married in Australia, was divorced within a couple of years of them tying the knot. By then, they’d already had a child. “I kept my daughter because I can’t imagine life without her.

My divorce was, of course, quite traumatic because there was a lot of blackmail, fake apologies and even threats,” she says, after mustering enough courage to walk out of her home, adding, “But today, I am really happy. I have a set of friends who are always there and some of them also have kids, so my daughter isn’t friendless and even my parents visit us in Australia and they love her. I am not closed to the idea of dating, but I guess I will wait for a while for that to happen.”

The stories are the same — irrelevant of where they come from but closer home, Bangalore, which was at one time considered a fairly conservative society, is gradually opening up to the idea, of single (mostly divorced) women living on their own and making a life here. “When I moved into the city about 12 years back, none of the neighbours would speak to me properly because they found out through the realtor that I was divorced. It didn’t matter to me much but I was quite friendless for a while. I have been staying in the same place since and now, it’s so much better. In fact, everyone comes home for my Christmas parties etc,” says Udiksha Raghavan, a 48-year-old lawyer, who was divorced within two years of her marriage.

Much has changed in the last decade — women have found a sense of freedom, the society has stopped caring and relationships have become rather frivolous. However, Dr Shyam Bhat, psychiatrist, internist, and integrative medicine specialist, has a different opinion, “It might be hard to believe, but in contemporary society, which doesn’t really care whether a person is single or divorced, it is the men who find it the hardest to deal with emotional turmoil. Women are more resourceful and therefore, find it easier to move on. For men, in most cases, they find intimacy only in their romantic partner. They might have really close buddies but they will never discuss their emotional problems with them. If you notice, maximum suicide attempts are by men because they can’t handle their emotional imbalance.”
Bhat says that women, over the years, have become very defensive about their sense of freedom because it’s a relatively new concept. But when compared to the US, which has a divorce rate of 50%, India is far behind. “I have a feeling that we will catch up soon. The whole dynamics of a relationship has changed between a man and women. It’s no longer about the society; it’s more about both finding something lacking in each other and not wanting to compromise. It’s quite worrisome,” he signs off.

(Names have been changed to maintain privacy)