Life in the times of love-jihad

"Arrey hum surwalon se yeh kya besuri baat chhed di?" asks Ustad Amjad Ali Khan when we spoke to him about the brouhaha over mixed-marriages or 'love-jihad,' sweeping through the country. Following allegations that marriages were being used as a ploy to convert, charges have flown thick and fast. "This is the handiwork of some misguided souls trying to tear away at what is the most celebratory aspect of our land. This melting pot of the Ganga-Jamni tehzeeb is too precious to be frittered away like this."

He underlines this is not a mere homily. "We're attached to each other because we need each other. You know my sarod maker Hemendra Chandra Sen of Kolkata is a Hindu. Without him making a fine sarod where would I be? Similarly take the example of the sari-weavers in Azamgarh or Benares. They are largely Muslim. And yet the patrons who buy their wares are almost always Hindu women who wear these embellished weaves to temples and marriages. That's not simply being together because it sounds romantic but because the communities need each other."

The sarod maestro who represents the sixth generation of the illustrious Senia Bangash school of music and shoulders the inheritance in this legendary lineage should know. After all, he's married to the immensely graceful Assam-born Subhalakshmi. This tea-industrialist's daughter, was trained in Bharatanatyam at Kalakshetra, Chennai renowned dance school under one of the genre's tallest legends, Rukmani Devi Arundale.

Khan saab says marriages break down because of ego irrespective of whether its a mixed marriage or not. "You have to nurture a relationship guarding it from intolerance and impatience. Pehle ek dusre ke hamdard bankar ek dusre ko samajhne ki zarurat hai. Phir sab kuch apne aap sahi hota hai. Both parties have to adjust and compromise."

Subhalakshmi too echoes her husband. "Compassion and empathy for one another are the bedrock of any relationship," she says, and adds, "You need supportive family and friends. Even if there're issues, those around should help put out the fire, not add to it."

Among the adjustments in this musical family, Khan Saab and both his sons Amaan and Ayaan, have learnt to and speak fluent Assamese. Subhalakshmi in turn, learned all of her husband's favourite Mughlai dishes and cooks them often. "We not only celebrate Eid and Bihu, but also Diwali and Christmas," says the house-proud homemaker who gave up her career for the family. "Nobody ever told me to. It was my own decision. I felt I wouldn't be doing justice to my children and my home by dividing time with my career."

Khan saab says that it requires superhuman steely strength for what he calls sacrifice. "Unfortuantely we don't celebrate it enough but only women have that strength. Where would my music or my sons' music be without her?"

The senior couple's love story came a full circle when their son Ayaan met Neema (film producer and Khan saab's close pal of years Romesh Sharma's daughter). "It must've been written that they meet and continue this secular legacy," says the maestro with affection. His daughter-in-law now a mother to the musically-inclined twins, Zohan and Abir adds, "Maa, Abba and Amaan Bhai have given me so much love and warmth. This helped when I came into the family as a new bride."

From the country's political capital to its financial one, are all mixed marriages so picture-postcard perfect or are there rough edges which crop up and jar every once in a while? "Forget this term love-jihad. Love itself is a jihad of sorts. Once your hearts meet, that is not the end. It is the beginning of a series of adjustments to each other," says theatre-person Kumud Mishra (known for his characters in Filmistan, Ranjhana and That Girl In Yellow Boots) when we catch up over chai in his nattily-done Bandra home. "If you really go looking for issues, you'll find them even after being married to each other for 20 years. And this can happen in proper arranged marriages where everything from community, kundali, gotra and tithhi are matched." He underlines "Mere gazing into each others' eyes and holding hands is not enough. When you have a relationship then you have to actively work at keeping it going and it can take years and even decades to cement bonds. It is a process and will not happen at the snap of a finger."

Wife Ayesha (whom he calls Ayeshi) Raza has been listening intently. She breaks into a smile and pulls his cheeks. "I think I chose well." From a family of actors, with the legendary Zohra Sehgal and Uzra Butt for grand-aunts, she says, "While we're all hopelessly romantic about Lucknowi traditions and culture, my family has had a long tradition of inter-religious and even international marriages! So they were quite cool about adding a Hindu to the family." Kumud interjects with a wink. "Not just any Hindu, uccha koti ka Brahmin," only to be cuffed on his head playfully before their laughter merges.

While Ayesha's family was okay, his wasn't. "He was clear about not getting married without his family's blessings and that was easier said than done in their ultraconservative background." While Kumud remembers, "Ayeshi agreed to a sari and ghunghat and a traditional Hindu wedding," she on her part credits her ma-in-law Sita Mishra for bringing his family around. "When she realised Kumud's heart was set, she did the unthinkable. You have to understand that this was a traditional woman, who has never stepped out of her house and can't even read or write," she points out.

Both of them go hysterical remembering the wedding where Ayesha's theatre experience and some research into Hindu rituals had the pandit, who was unaware she wasn't Hindu, going ga-ga. "Look at how well versed your new bahu is with our tradition despite a city upbringing. I haven't seen even our village girls so well-acquainted with our customs," the pandit had announced at the wedding.

Ayesha firmly rubbishes the filmy, rosy mixed marriages as fake. "The initial saas-bahu friction is a given in any marriage in India. And here we were from different religions." She points out how the arrival of their young son Kabir has helped. "But even as a baby, he developed sensibilities of how much and no more of what and where." Though Kabir relishes non-vegetarian, he never ever asks for it when his daadi is around. "We haven't taught him this, but he knows that this is something he can only ask his naani. Though his daadi too is now okay with allowing him to have boiled eggs occasionally."

Kumud says the marriage has given him insights on sensitivity. "You know you crack a joke on religious stereotypes or wear a T shirt, which says something nasty and have a good laugh. While this may not make you a bigot right away, it is better to be sensitive to the fact that someone's nose begins where your finger ends."

Just like Ustad Amjad Ali Khan, he too finds it "weird that something so personal as the contours of a relationship are being discussed thread-bare". According to him, "I have grown up in a fantastically religious atmosphere and loved the peace and spirituality part of it. But we now live in strange times when loudspeakers, drums, crackers and everything we can make a nuisance with are defining our religiosity. We are only prepping ourselves for more violence and trouble in this way."

It is exactly this sensibility that formed the foundation of the relationship tabla maestro Taufiq Qureshi has with his wife and classical vocalist Geetika Varde. Both Xavierites, Geetika remembers being offended when he proposed to her first. "Though he was an Arts student and I was in Science, our music made us close buddies. I thought he was ruining it by asking it to become more in the early 90s." While she came around to realising that he would make for a great partner, convincing her family wasn't easy. "They knew him, so the opposition seemed more strident then," she reminisces.

The couple, who had made up their mind, decided to marry regardless in December 1993. "The communal cauldron was on a boil and that was the backdrop in which we married," remembers Taufiq whose brother Ustad Zakir Hussain's visit blunted some of the Varde's stridency. "In fact all through their opposition, it was strangely Taufiq, who did not let me get embittered with my parents. 'We have to understand that they are only reacting as protective parents,' he'd say."

When Geetika's mother-in-law Bavi Begum suggested that they have nikaah and saat pheras both, the couple said no. "I liked her for what she is and I don't want to go around changing her for the world," Taufiq had told his mother. Geetika too remembers telling her mother-in-law: "Yeh Islam ke tauheen hogee. How can we use a religion for our convenience just to shut up a few people." The final word was of course Abbaji's (Ustad Alla Rakha Khan). He said the couple were free to marry the way they want. They had a registered marriage.

Though not too fond of non-vegetarian fare, she doesn't mind cooking chicken occasionally for the father-son (Shikhar Naad) duo. "My reasons for giving up non-vegetarian food are not religious. I really feel its wrong to take a life to feed yourself," she explained, and remembered the late saragi maestro once jokingly tell her, "Allah ka naam lo aur khana shuru kar do." She respectfully reminded him that both Hinduism and Islam believe in the presence of God in everything around and told him, "Allah ka naam lekar hee jo cheez chhodi hai woh phir se kaise shuru karu?"

The Ganesh visarjan drums outside disrupt the conversation and she gets up to shut the window. "Religion, which should open doors, is making us close even windows today. Where are we headed?" she asks with a wry smile. The percussionist in Taufiq finds a musical metaphor to explain what is going wrong with the world. "Everybody wants to play their own rhythm and this only creates noise. When Gandhiji went about creating a rhythm, everybody wanted to join in complimenting that rhythm and that's what brought us freedom. If we still find a unifying rhythm like that, nothing and no one can stop India from becoming number one in the world."

But none of the philosophising can make the couple forget how they struggled with finances in the initial years. "We'd both be busy and my parents managed both my son and home, being there with all the support as and when we needed it. In the end, it worked just like Taufiq had predicted. The initial reluctance and negativity has in fact helped. They have in a way tested him out and then accepted him finally as son-in-law and family for good," she says.

According to her, more and more such mixed marriages are needeed. "Not the forced ones but ones like ours where both have their own and equal space will help us wipe out negativity and polarisation."

We can only agree.

1. Actor-singer Kishore Kumar married Madhubala (real name Mumtaz Begum) in 1960. Madhubala' s sister Zahida married music director Brij Bhushan Sahni.

2. Actor Sunil Dutt married Nargis, a Muslim. Their son Sanjay is now married to Dilnawaz Sheikh (screen name Manyata).

3. Sir VS Naipaul, Trinidad-based writer of international reputation, is a Hindu (of Indian origin) married to a Pakistani Muslim called Nadia.

4. Model Feroze Gujral is the daughter of a Christian father, George and a Muslim mother, Viqar. She is married to Mohit, son of painter Satish Gujral.

5. Mumbai gangster-turned-politician Arun Gawli married a Muslim lady named Ayesha, who later took up the name Asha.

6. Actor Aamir Khan is married to a Hindu Kiran Rao and their son is called Azad

7. Cricketer Ajit Agarkar, a Maharashtrian Brahmin, is married to Fatima Ghadially.

8. Actor Sunil Shetty is married to Mana Qadri, daughter of a reputed Muslim architect of Mumbai.

9. Congress MP Sachin Pilot, son of late politician Rajesh Pilot, is married to Sarah Abdullah, daughter of former J&K chief minister Farooq Abdullah and sister of current chief minister Omar Abdullah

10. Roshan Ara, daughter of Ustad Allauddin Khan, married Ustad Ravi Shankar and became the famous surbahar-sitar exponent Annapurna Devi.

11. Actor Sanjay Khan's daughter Simone Khan is married to Ajay Arora

12 Shah Rukh Khan the actor is married to Gauri Khan, a Hindu

13. Actor Aditya Pancholi is married to actor Zarina Wahab.

14. Director/Choreographer Farah Khan married director-editor Shirish Kunder.

15. Actor Manoj Bajpai married actor Shabana Raza (screen name Neha) who debuted in Vidhu Vinod Chopra's 'Kareeb' opposite Bobby Deol.