'My favourite part of being lesbian is the exhilarating sex'

I recently saw a documentary film called Khush made in 1991 by Pratibha Parmar about lives of South Asian LGBT persons. One lesbian woman in the film, when asked, “What is the best part of being lesbian?” said “My favourite part is the completely satisfying, exhilarating sex!” And then this gorgeous woman in complete 90s fashion regalia, smiled the most glorious smile, as if she could remember every moment of that exhilarating sex then and there.

As a queer activist who was eight when this film was made and who has been speaking publicly in the media, courts, etc about LGBT people in India, I don’t remember saying or writing anything to do with sex in the past 10 years. We have been caught up in making ourselves vulnerable and respectable in our quest for rights. Sex, somewhere, has gotten lost.

In a country where most people, especially women, do not know of the clitoris or what satisfying sex feels like, us as queer women — who have had the privilege of these experiences — must bring this to the table (or bed). In the land of  concepts like ‘first nights’, ‘premarital sex is bad’, ‘girl-on-girl action’ (lesbian pornography made for straight men — aesthetically repelling and factually flawed on all counts), and ‘the first time with boys always hurts’, it is our duty to speak of women’s bodies’ path-breaking potential to feel pleasure. And this pleasure can be with themselves, with a few exceptionally-skilled men and (hopefully) with most women.

“My favourite part of being a queer woman is the exhilarating sex!” There. I said it. I feel empowered already. As part of this crash course here are some quick tips: Look up the clitoris (on Google and otherwise)

There is no such thing as ‘sexual parts’. All of your body can be sexual. The key is to open up and make it.

Women can and do masturbate and there is nothing abnormal/wrong/sinful about it.

Sex is not about any one act. The famous question ‘Have you done it?’ can and should be followed by ‘done what?’ It is about a whole set of things you can do based on you, who you are with, what mood, time of day, global politics (for some of us ?) that one is in the midst of.

Sex is about keeping all people involved happy and satisfied (bizarre that one has to state the obvious!).

Sex is important, but neither is it all encompassing, nor is it insignificant. It is, well, what it is.

You have the right to have sex with whomever and whenever irrespective of class, caste, gender, religion, region, relationship status, etc as long as you are kind to yourself and others involved. I don’t mean to preach. But as you can see, I just did. The overwhelming need for the word to get out there forces one to use the most unlikely forms of communication.

So a noble cause in our lives could be, wherever, whoever and whatever we are, to say “my favourite part of being … is the exhilarating sex”. What it does to your happiness index is amazing. Trust me, (I am proud to say), I would know. 

Ponni Arasu is an independent  researcher and queer activist