Woman of Letters: To post or not to post

Dear Mark,

I am writing to request you to desist from publishing my pictures, posts, texts, drawings and paintings for your nefarious means as all my friends (not just the silly ones who fall for every hoax known to the civilised world and who insist on sending me Candy Crush requests even after telling them not to, but even some pretty impressive and usually very astute ones) on Facebook said you will be doing if I do not post a message giving you strict and urgent notice that you cannot.

I am doing so because I didn't follow these dire warnings and urgent instructions not only because I find it vaguely offensive to be told that I can only 'copy paste' and not 'share' but because I found their pseudo-legal language downright hilarious.

I mean, given how much time we all spend on Facebook, Mark, and how well we all know each other by now, I thought it would be much better to just write you a nice, long letter, requesting you for the same. So, please do not use my pictures and posts, Mark, to promote your enterprise's commercial activities, especially the ones in which I look a little fat or in which I've forgotten to erase my ex-best friend out or the one in which I'm wearing that silly culotte that I picked up at the Zara sale two years ago.

Please do this for me, Mark. I know I didn't post that message as I should have, but given the fact that I am one of your most enthusiastic members, scanning people's timelines all day and night to like their cat and food pictures, posting my own cat and food pictures and updating my timeline to let the world know where I am and what I am doing, almost by the minute, I know you will make a special exception and resist from cannibalising my life for your ends.

As you can see, I am very concerned about how you plan to use my striking output over these past 14 years as part of your plan to rob almost 1.65 billion of us of our most cherished riches. Like that picture I posted three years ago of me having lunch with office colleagues at a seafood restaurant of our choice in Mumbai — best that you don't use that one as we were all supposed to be at a meeting with an important client at that very hour but couldn't be bothered as the crab was so scrumptious. Or that snarky post I'd written about a minor celebrity in response to her latest portrait, sarcastically alluding to her newest cosmetic intervention, best if you do forget that one altogether as the said minor celebrity has now not only become my new BFF but has introduced me to her cosmetician and will be upset to be reminded of it.

Thing is Mark, you have been so very open and transparent, sharing so much of your own life with us, especially your baby pictures and all, that it seems almost churlish and unfriendly to request you not to do the same with my life and posts.

So how about this — each time you want to use my posts to fulfil Facebook's unbridled ambitions and goals, why don't you just drop me a line, requesting the same? That way, after I check whether I'm looking good in the said picture, or who will get offended by my post or whatever, I can always get back to you and let you know if I'm okay with it. How about it? That will save us both so much unwanted aggravation and misunderstandings and keep us in contact and in close touch — the way we always have been all these long years of relentless living on Facebook.

With every good wish,
Yours sincerely etc.
malavikasmumbai@gmail.com
 

(The columnist believes in the art of letter writing; Views expressed are personal)