As Valentine’s Day approaches, I am a little confused not about the significance of the day but as to how people celebrate it. You make the calculations, yaar.... couples have fun on February 14 and exactly nine months later, it is Children’s Day (November 14). Hmm…ee jokua toh bauhooot purana huyi gawa. Well the jokes may be old, but the strokes are new. Nahi samjhe, samjhaata hoon, samjhaata hoon. 

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Darr ke aage preet hai! A friend of mine (apparently happily married) is a compulsive flirt. Constantly bragging about his various ongoing explicit affairs with different girls, he is never afraid of being caught by his wife. His logic is, what she doesn’t know will not hurt her. And if she does find out, he will deny it outright or beg for forgiveness. ”Meri biwi ka heart bohot soft hai, yaar”, he insists. He is the reason why I am writing this article today. 

Paanchvi fail?  You see, I met him for dinner last night and he was incredibly stressed. Till last Valentine’s Day, he had four women in his life: his wife, his colleague, his cousin’s ex-wife and a random girlfriend. But being the loser that he is, he tells all of them that he is in love with them and they obviously do not know about the other women. The only time he could get caught was on Valentine’s Day, but cleverly he makes some kind of bahana or the other and tells them, he is going to be out of town that day. He has pulled off this Houdini act successfully for a few years. So why is he stressed now? You see... he patao’d a new girl recently and guess what... February 14 is her birthday!  

Baby ya biwi? As always, he has given the same out-of-town bahaana to the others, but this one wants to spend the day with him. “Not a problem”, I told him, “Why don’t you tell your wife this time that you need to go out of town for work and actually go out of town?” He retorted, “That’s impossible”. Turns out, his wife had meticulously planned a day with him — where they will eat and shop and what film they will watch. This newly acquired girlfriend has told him, “How do you expect me to love you if you can’t even spend my first birthday (while in this relationship) with me?”  

No choice at all! That’s when I asked him what is more important to him: sex with new girl or love of his wife? He started laughing and said “Baawla ho gaya hai kya tu? obviously the new girl.” Oops, Houston, we have a problem, I tried my level best to talk him out of it, I told him it was high time he ended all this sh*t. Because so far, he has been fortunate to have not been caught. His wife, a dear friend of mine, is also a very sweet girl and would be completely heartbroken to find out about his misadventures and would never trust me again, for hiding it from her from all these years. “Don’t give me a bhaashan, yaar”, he told me, “Give me a solution, I really find this new chick too hot”. “Fine”, I told him, “Let me sleep over it. We will talk again tomorrow.” 

Main hoon na Now, I am neither Hitch nor a snitch. Hitch (Will Smith) would have solved his problem like a love guru and a snitch would have ratted him out to the wife. So I did one thing ‘jisse saanp bhi mar gaya aur lathi bhi nahi tooti’. I got in touch with his new girlfriend and patao’d her. You see being single has its perks. Although he is upset with me, he is also grateful as his wife really loves him and he had no other escape route.  Aisi aur maan-ghadat Valentine Fables lekar aoonga main, next Valentine’s Day ko. Till then, just remember: ‘Like dengue, love is in the air and for some of my bald friends, love is in the hair.