My death was sudden and uneventful. Another day, another accident. Cause of death: Not forwarding that message to ten people. Within minutes of my death, I found myself in a grand room traveling across space. The board on the wall said “Afterlife decision station”. As an atheist, this isn’t what I expected to see after death.

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I saw a grand table in front of me. I saw someone there, sitting and eating hot butter chicken… The board next to him bluntly read “God”

God: Ah! Kim Jong Goat. Just in time. We were expecting you. Sorry, it’s lunch time, and am busy eating. Anyway, scan your fingerprints there, submit your Aadhar number here… and okay. Here we are.Me: Uh. What do we do now?God: Now we decide if you should go to heaven or hell.Me: Heaven obviously right? I mean, I have helped thousands of people, and touched so many lives!God: Actually, your list of sins are enormous Mr. Goat. Just last year, you cut your hair on a Tuesday. Twice!

Me: But I helped people suffering through oppression! I used to spread scientific temper!

God: Irrelevant. Nobody cares about science here Mr. Goat! You are also accused of shaving your beard on a new moon day. What were you thinking!

Me: I helped NGOs that help people in distress!

God: You cut your nails after dark

Me: I helped old people in their terminal days!

God: Pfft. You started doing some of those things during Rahu time. Totally pointless if you ask me.

Me: But but but but. I even worked on rescue missions that saved people during natural calamities!

God: So what! That calamity was on a Tuesday and you ate non-veg after that rescue mission!

Me: Are you serious!

God: Of course I am! You have committed several mistakes over your lifetime including multiple class 3 infractions of stitching your clothes on a Tuesday, starting time for events etc. We have over 10,000 violations overall!

Me: How do you know all this God! I thought you were busy managing the universe and all  that. How do you have time for this?

God: That is a popular misconception. The universe and its billions of stars and galaxies are governed by physical laws. I mostly focus on the dietary habits of you humans, how you cut your nails and hairs etc. Pretty much how I keep myself engaged.

Me: I didn’t even know some of those rules existed!

God: Ignorance of law excuses no one. I am a stickler for rules. Zero partiality. Hell is that way to your left. Please pick your favourite torture technique from the brochure while in the transit hall. Good day!

Me: Lord, if I may...

God: Yeah?

Me: We just had an eclipse while traveling through space and you are still eating.

God: *gasps* Damn! Not this again! Okay, Mr. Goat, I guess I will consider your case and let you go to heaven. Just keep this between us.

Me: Sure thing lord.

God: By the way…

Me: Yes?

God: Make sure you enter with your right leg first.