Choose not to ridicule your teenager

I’m concerned about how my daughter has started becoming very conscious about her physical beauty. How can I help her deal with it?

Adolescence is characterised by a time, where a lot of physical changes take place and suddenly how they look becomes very important to them. It is extremely common for young girls to start focusing on their appearance and a lot of conversation amongst their peers focuses on it. Always choose to focus on a positive body image and explain how beauty exists in different forms, beyond what may be a conventional idea of beauty. This might be a good occasion for you to introduce the concept of loving one’s own physical and emotional self. Always choose to focus on a positive body image and explain how beauty exists in different forms, beyond what may be a conventional idea of beauty. Teenagers are more likely to hear, absorb positive messages that come through effective movies, literature. It’s important to wisely use that narrative in the context of positive body image.

Emphasise how it’s important to like one’s own self and praise your teenager for her strengths, competencies and not just her physical self. Choose to not ridicule or blame her over her concern, keep the doors of communication open so that she can trust you when she is in doubt.

My husband and I are going through an ugly divorce. We are worried that it is going to impact our 14-year-old son who has withdrawn a lot and refuses to speak to us.

A divorce, no matter at what stage it happens, does leave its impact on children and adults. Having said that, children in teenage years are likely to be impacted by it because they can decipher what the implications of divorce are. Also witnessing the emotional violence that accompanies divorce can be very scarring for the child. It’s such a tricky age, where your son may understand, but still feel so helpless and caught in this situation. With the description you have given, it is quite clear that this situation is triggering overwhelming emotions and he may be struggling in terms of managing it. We live in a society where we rarely discuss private matters regarding our families with friends and children also feel awkward to do so when it comes to their friends. As a parent, choose to not take sides, listen to your son in a non-judgemental way and if you find it difficult to do so, please acknowledge it. I can understand how, as a parent, it can be tough on you as well, to go through this stage. Be self-compassionate. Your son may benefit from talking to a third person — a close family friend, relative who can be empathetic, trustworthy and most importantly not judgemental. A psychologist can also help your son navigate this process, which can often be traumatic. However be sure to tell your child, that therapy is a way to share his concerns, learn to manage unresolved feelings, so that he doesn’t see himself as having a problem.

(Sonali Gupta is a clinical psychologist with 12 years of experience. She works with children, parents and young adults to enhance their emotional and social well-being.)