A handbook for the ill-mannered

How to stay classy when you bump into an ex is not a tip you’d expect to find in a guidebook on grooming and etiquette. Or an inventory of foods that improve the skin’s elasticity. Or two ways to discreetly sneak out that fruit pip wedged in your teeth at a swanky sit-down dinner. Or an elaborate account of how to tip across various continents. For example, tipping steep in America is the social norm, while the practice has no takers in Australia and New Zealand, and usually befuddles the bartender/attendant. Such nuggets of new-age refinement, useful for cushioning the worst of oops-moments, find a place in Mumbai-based etiquette authority Rukshana Eisa’s debut novel The Golden Rule. 

“I’ll at least dab slight lipstick on or comb my hair into a tight, neat ponytail even when I go down to the baniya shop. When you are in public view, you have to be well-groomed, which most people don’t seem to think.” says Eisa, a picture of grace in tall heels and fitting brown dress at her cosy, Arabian sea-facing bungalow in Mahim. Eisa entered the business of transforming the ladettes into ladies and the churls to gentlemen in 1986, when ‘grooming’ was a concept quite unheard of. Raised in a south Bombay upper middle-class Parsi household where her father insisted they eat with a fork, Eisa developed an eye for observing people and how well-turned-out they were. She began as an appearance advisor to Pan American Airways before proceeding as a grooming instructor for the airline’s international campaign. In 2001, fashion choreographer Lubna Adams and marketing whizz Pradeep Guha approached her to train the Ms India girls, and later she setup her grooming school, Image Inc. Currently, Eisa holds training programs for multinationals, hotels, banks, media, Bollywood and beauty pageants. Her stint as a columnist on grooming and etiquette with a daily earned her the moniker ‘Miss Manners’. 

“I had all these articles in a file which I hoped to compile in a book. Jaico Publishers approached me and it took almost two years to put this book together. A lot of what’s in it is anecdotal.” True enough, after the foreword by Shweta Bachchan, the 242 page book begins with an incident at a fast food joint, where a man thought nothing of tapping Eisa on the back in between her meal with her daughter to reclaim his spot that he had temporarily vacated. With instances like this, Eisa employs iconic quotes and comic caricatures to impart her knowledge on good etiquette.

Over the years, Eisa has witnessed few norms vanish and new ones emerge. For instance, the art of fine dining is now defunct, while earlier, going Dutch as dating etiquette was unheard of. “The men always let the lady order first, and opened doors for her.” However, in today’s times, her suggestions for men to imbibe chivalry backfired at a corporate-training gig. “A group of feminists in the crowd said, ‘We’d like to do it ourselves. Why should we be any different?’ But nine out of ten times my students say they love being spoiled.” A champion of old-school rules, Eisa prefers posting physical invitations for an event and following it up with a phone call rather than opting for the digital convenience of WhatsApp. She also feels schools must set up etiquette training programs. “‘Thank you so much’, ‘yes please’, ‘may I?’ is common parlance for the kids abroad. But not in India. How do you expect a child to eat with a fork and knife, if they’ve never done it at home?” 

When you make a blooper, gently say, ‘I am so sorry’ or ‘please excuse me’, says Eisa. “That can tide you over. Own up your fault, don’t stress over it and move on. If someone walks up to you and says, “Hi, I haven’t seen you in ages” and you can’t place them in your memory,” you say, “I am so terrible with names! Of course I remember you, can I have your name again?” with a genuine apology, and move on with the conversation. You can also tactfully turn to a friend, cover your mouth and whisper “the lady’s name?”, suggests Eisa, who will open a new venture Hair Station with friends Kaajal Anand, Shweta Bachchan and Avanti Birla, by the end of the year. She will also assume the role of a mentor at resident-finishing school in Raipur.  

Good manners, according to Eisa, have a karmic bent. “This is not an easy world. It is best to be polite, have goodwill and respect even to your houseboy. I’ve always seen that coming back in abundance.”

Tips and tricks

• Make sure you remove facial hair on a regular basis
• Handle a drunken guest with empathy and patience
• Don’t be rude to telemarketers. It’s their job to call you
• Don’t talk badly about someone who is not present. It speaks more about you than them
• A handshake should last just two to three seconds. Don’t hold it longer than that