DNA Celebrity Column | Pappu ki mummy, tu badi nikammi, writes Sajid Khan

Pappu ki mummy, tu badi nikammi, tere jaan ko bacche rote hain, tu khele rummy’ was the hit song from the 1976 film Santaan. But what Anand Bakshi didn’t know, is that many years later, this song would take life in my neighbour’s house.

You see Pappu ki mummy is a nikammi, only according to Pappu ke papa. Pappu ke papa could’ve been the hero of Pati, Patni Aur Woh. Now who is woh? (sounds very different, doesn’t it? Who is woh? Woh is who? Just rearrange the alphabets).

Pappu ke papa aur pappu ki mummy got married 10 years ago. A year after their marriage,  was Pappu ki paidaish. Pappu wasn’t the only one who arrived in their world. Pappu ke papa had a premika. Pretty, pouty, petite and promising. Since promises are meant to be broken, I guess she promised herself that she would break Pappu ke papa ka house.

At first, Pappu ki mummy didn’t believe her gossipy pals about Pappu ke papa and the premika. But she started stalking the premika on Instagram. And she hit the jackpot when she spotted her husband’s watch in one of the premika’s selfies. When she confronted Pappu ke papa with this evidence, he denied it. 

One day, when Pappu was supposed to be picked up from school, the mummy was stuck in the parlour so she told the papa to do it. Since he was with his premika at that time in the car, he had no option but to pick up the four-year-old Pappu, who kept muttering, “Papa, yeh kaun hai?  Papa, yeh kaun hai?” 

Then, when Pappu ke papa replied, “Yeh meri friend hai,” the premika gave him an angry look and told Pappu, “Beta, you can call me chhoti mummy.” Pappu ke papa got upset and scolded Pappu. “Don’t call her that,” he said. The premika immediately reacted, “Stop the car.” The besotted papa then told Pappu, “It’s okay, you can call her chhoti mummy.”

When Pappu reached home, he started dancing on the table, singing, “Meri do-do mummy hai. Badi mummy, chhoti mummy.” When badi mummy heard this, she removed the pressure cooker ka dhakkan and started hitting Pappu ke papa with it. “I knew that you were having an affair, but why is my son calling her chhoti mummy?” she retorted. Pappu ke papa sheepishly  replied, “Kids have a vivid imagination, they say anything.” But Pappu ki mummy never believed him.

A couple of months later, Pappu ki mummy took Pappu to see The Jungle Book. When the movie started, Pappu noticed someone four rows ahead and shouted loudly in the theatre, “Chhoti mummy, chhoti mummy!” Now, an angry Pappu ki mummy went four rows ahead to discover chhoti mummy eating pyaar ka popcorn with Pappu ke papa. She started abusing Pappu ke papa and chhoti mummy with the choicest of Punjabi gaalis. And when patrons started complaining, she told the chhoti mummy, “Tu bahar aa.” When the chhoti mummy said, “I don’t want to talk to you. You talk to your husband,” Pappu ki mummy started pulling  chhoti mummy’s hair. And she fell down when  the wig came off in her hands. Chhoti mummy’s secret was out, she was bald. Even Pappu ke papa was shocked. Embarrassed, she ran out screaming ‘bachao bachao’. Pappu ki mummy ran behind her shouting, ‘Ruk takli kulta’. Pappu ran behind both of them and shouted,  “Badi mummy, takli chhoti mummy’.  And Pappu ke papa ran behind all three of them screaming out to chhoti mummy, “Ola cab lena. Ola cab.”

Finally, peace and harmony prevailed in Pappu’s house. Till one day, Pappu came back from  school and started dancing on the table, saying, “Mere do-do papa hai. Bade papa, chhote papa.” Pappu’s mummy was in eternal shock after that.