Why asking for advice backfires often

“I do not ask for advice from many people. It somehow translates to either 'I have to be following them' or demean the advisor if I do not pay heed to that. For me, first is difficult and later means disrespect,” said Dewang Modi, young CEO of iValue Systech Pvt Ltd, while discussing his future plans with me. Intrigued by his rejoinder, I spoke to a few people to get some interesting data on taking advice. 

“When was the last time that you asked for advice?” Ten people responded to it in various ways. The most common reply was that while making an expensive purchase. The second was while looking for a job change. Typical belief system says that before making any important decision one must be well-informed. In order to achieve that, you need to gather all the possible information in order to make the best choice. 

Rick Larrik, professor at Duke University, has published research which says, “Leveraging the wisdom of crowds can lead to more accurate decisions.” No wonder that in a popular TV show of being millionaire, asking the crowd is the best sought-after helpline. 

Next value-added insight came from Reema and Esha Kakkar. The duo runs a restaurant and a popular patisserie called Indulgence. “Our clients are best advisors in a way. They keep telling us what not to do and valuable insights about our preparations. We ask for feedback to most critiques as it helps in understanding the latest trends and it has kept us on the fast track to growth.” 

These and a few more similar insights brought me to the question – Does interminably asking too many people for advice ever backfire? Haylay Blunden from Harvard Business School says that it eventually does. It does not surprise me though. Being an advisor to someone about any decision, however minuscule it may be, brings an emotional connect to the issue. It goes into the interpersonal relationship arena. 

Sometimes, it is a pure conflict of interest. The advisor unknowingly forces their agenda because what they think of the solution is the best. If it's not followed by the advice seeker, there is an ego clash. Very simply put, the receptiveness to any idea or counsel comes from recipient's eagerness and also the desperation of the situation. If the advice received can be postponed, or at times only to seek a second opinion, it may not be taken with the kind of seriousness expected by the advisor. It is imperative to remember that most of the times, people are looking for validation, and not advice. Another normal thing that occurs is a thought. The advisor has nothing to do with the consequences of the suggested remedies. 

Can the suggestion-seeking be turned in as asking questions? The difference between them is that suggestions are customised and personalised. Thus, there is an emotional connect. Asking questions is more like collecting data and information. One can choose to use or discard them. 

The last but probably the most important thing is that giving advice makes a person feel wanted and wiser. It is a sense of power. Don't we all see people constantly chiming in with their pearls of wisdom? Even if most of the times no one has asked for it. 

Does it mean that no counsel should be sought? Or even if you get advice, do not follow them mostly? How to be an advisor that people listen to?

Make your advice come out of observations of industry and balanced approach. Be clear that it is neither a witch-hunt nor a blame-game. The minute you mention about failures of any specific person, advising is wronged. Making people realise their potential and worth is what individuals would listen to. 

Can't stop yourself when you see someone doing a mistake that would be costly? Even if you don't have a role to play, the urge to jump in and give an unsolicited suggestion is overwhelming. Just seek permission and mention about your root cause of that thought. No one wants to go wrong but at times, people are plain rigid or ignorant.

From the times of fairy tales, every king had an advisory Board. Good advisors point on success so the individual can weed out the faults. 

The writer is a strategic advisor and premium educator with Harvard Business Publishing