When people try to change themselves inherently by becoming what they are not, they set a pattern of behaviour which doesn’t sync well with their persona and creates a conflict with the unconscious.
We are seldom conscious when we brush our teeth, apply a moisturiser or undertake any such mundane activity. Chores are generally performed mechanically. Apart from these nearly programmed rituals, a lot of unconscious behaviour gets ingrained within us and forms into a pattern. While these behavioural patterns may seem helpful as they may not tax our minds, such patterns come in the way of relationships. Here are a few examples of how.
There was a husband who felt his wife wanted to be in control of everything. So, apart from going to work, he let her be in the driver’s seat about everything else. All major decisions were taken by her. Eventually, she became the man of the house and he couldn’t really connect with the woman he was married to. He wanted to leave her. Here, the wife didn’t realize her control wielding behaviour came in the way of their relationship.
I have seen another case of a woman who was married earlier and had been through a bad marriage. She would hold back her love from her husband just because she was scared it wouldn’t be reciprocated like in her first marriage. Her pattern of self-protection by withdrawing her love from her husband drove him into the arms of another woman. A man’s depression though treated, came in the way of his marriage. His biggest fear was he wouldn’t be loved and thus longed for sympathy. The wife, on the other hand, was fed up with sympathy ruling the roost of their relationship and love taking a back seat.
Eventually she divorced him. The man’s behaviour because of his fear became a cold, withdrawn and emotionless pattern hampering the dynamics of his relationship. With time the wife became emotionally emptied and ended up with an affair and eventually a divorce.
When people try to change themselves inherently by becoming what they are not, they set a pattern of behaviour which doesn’t sync well with their persona and creates a conflict with the unconscious. Not being what one inherently is, always comes in the way of a relationship. It's not always easy to be aware of some self-patterns. People are limited by what they know and that keeps them away from experiencing marital harmony. The wrong patterns can be catastrophic for a couple.
(The author is a relationship and couples therapist. She helps couples and individuals deal with their relationship problems effectively)
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