Why your adversaries can be your best friends

Most of us like to welcome friends and allies into our environments and are mortally scared of those who would put us down, or as we imagine it, those who would do us harm. Haven’t we all encountered the friend who betrayed us when we least expected it? Or the person we just cannot seem to get along with (because our personalities are poles apart), but with whom we are forced to deal with anyway? Or the situation that we would rather not face, because in it we have to deal with more people hostile to us than those of the friendly sort? For almost all of humanity, it is an entirely natural feeling to gravitate towards the people and the situations they like and those that feel comfortable rather than those which are uncomfortable.

Having said that, one of the great truths of life is that each one of us is going to come across uncomfortable people and situations that just don’t feel right or which we would rather not face. From a spiritual perspective, having to associate with people we dislike is one of the eight sufferings of life — the others including suffering of having to separate from loved ones and suffering caused by the denial of one’s desires. So you are going to have to deal with it sooner or later. The crucial thing is — what will be your thinking, your reaction when faced with the situation?

There are two ways of reacting to an adverse person or situation. The most commonly used one, which is also negative, is to immediately close down communication with that person or to get angry. The alternative to that, coming from a deeper perspective, is to hear the other person out (or get through the situation while maintaining your composure) and then try and figure if there is a learning of some sort that you can achieve from the encounter. It is a golden rule that there is always a learning from our negative or toxic encounters (even if it fructifies years later), no matter how horrible they may seem at the moment. 

Negative encounters can serve a very useful purpose. For one, they take us out of our comfort zone and put us in a situation where our senses are heightened, our adrenalin is flowing and our body is revving up its defences. You could either use this energy constructively or destructively. Turning to spirituality  is one of the most constructive responses a person can have in such a situation. Another is channelling that energy and using it in some situation that requires a heightened response — it could be your work, your fitness workout, your service to your family or some such — you will notice that after the initial shock of the situation has subsided, what you have within is a lot of reactive energy. The challenge will be to channel it into a constructive task. Destructive responses, on the other hand, would include gossiping, backbiting, resorting to binge drinking/overeating or getting mentally overwhelmed with negativity about the other person/situation.

The fact is that, as one sage put it, in the long run of life, “it is not one’s allies but one’s adversaries who are the cause of our greatest progress”. Now this may seem hard to believe, even incredible, but it’s absolutely true. It is our opponents who bring out the latent strength that we have residing within us, a strength that sometimes we weren’t even aware of — primarily because they make us examine our beliefs, ourselves, and very often bring about watersheds in our lives. Personally, if you ask me, the best way to win an opponent over is with goodwill and friendship and make him/her an ally. Or, if that is not going to be possible and you are forced to fight for your life/job/partner/honour whatever, then fight with a prayer for your own happiness, your opponent’s happiness, and everyone’s happiness. Because the person this heartfelt prayer will most positively affect is you and all around you. And, if you can genuinely pray for your adversary’s happiness (which is the most difficult thing to do ever), then the person who will be moving in a positive direction, in the long run will be you. 

The author is a spiritual writer with dna