Wearing patriotism on waist!

Among the many underwears I own two are my favourite. Wearing them makes me feel like a zealous patriot and a nationalist in the true sense of the word (I have been a nationalist and a firm believer in absolute respect for our national symbols from an early age. My mother says that the first words I uttered were ‘Mother India’). Both of my favourite underwears are imported but that’s not why they are my favourite. If that had been the case then my entire collection would be special. I solemnly attest that till the time of going to press all pieces in my underwear collection remain imported from western democracies. But that wasn’t the case always.

Right from my school days I have been a Gandhian in my approach to underwear: One for tomorrow, one for today and pray to God almighty on the rainy day. Needless to say, both were made in India though it is unfortunate that I could not spin with my own hands.

Like all Indians who place national interest over personal interest I have faced a lot of trouble in my social life because of my ideals; yet I have overcome the obstacles: where there is a will there is a way. I strongly believe that a wilful man with two overused underwears can successfully find a date before it is too late. If I attribute this to my charming personality, my amazing sense of humour and an extraordinarily high sense of personal hygiene, readers who have been reading me for a while and people who have known me for sometime will immediately catch the lie. Let’s just say my 20s have taught me a lot about developing a unique sense of undressing around beds that belong to someone else. I would love to talk more about my undressing talents but as a regular columnist for a family newspaper I do not think it will be in national interest. Like a good responsible humorist I place national interest above everything else. Even above my underwear.

My minimalistic approach to underwear had to be abandoned because I fell in love with a girl who had a sense of humour. Sometime last year after a work trip to England she came with two identical souvenirs: Union Jack boxers. The minute I saw them I was worried for her personal safety (she would have to visit the country again and if they discovered she had smuggled a piece of clothing that disrespected the British sense of national pride I am sure the MI5 would throw her in a dungeon) and to this day I don’t trust her when she says she purchased them at a shop in London that sells Union Jack Boxers for tourists to take home and gift their friends.  

I have always thought of myself as a failure when it comes to national interest. I am sure I share my plight with millions of Indians who are too busy in their self interest to have any time left for national interest. My education amounts to nothing when seen in the larger constitutional context of national interest; ditto for my profession first as a journalist and now as a film writer. When I began writing my column in this paper I thought I would write something serious in national interest. But all I could do was poke fun at nationally important figures like our politicians, Anna Hazare, Baba Ramdev et al which I suppose can rarely be in national interest. My deep sense of failure triggered a chain of self destructive thoughts which finally ended when I went to the bottom of things and had a good long look at my Union Jack boxers and realised that a true nationalist like myself did not need to write anything in national interest as long as I had my two favourite ‘emblems of personal sovereignty’ either on my person or tucked away safely either in a drawer or in the laundry bin. Every time I jump into my boxers I feel like Bhagat Singh jumping into the assembly hall. Every time I pass wind I wonder if the queen heard it too and was distressed.

Unfortunately my innocent mother did not see the joke and assumed I love my Union Jack boxers because they are imported. After her first visit to the USA to meet my brother last year, she came back with two sets of six under-wears. Together with my favourite boxers they complete my imported under wear collection. Next month my brother is planning to visit me and instead of an iPhone 5 I have asked him to get me US made underwear that can make me feel more of a nationalist sitting here in India without harming any of my political leaders or the national symbols they zealously guard.

Mayank Tewari is a writer