My friend and I have come up with a best-seller idea. It’s a guide for pubbers, lovers, Romeos, Juliets, Lailas, Majnus, Jamaals, Latikas, Brads, Anjelinas — well, everyone, including tourists who frequent Bangalore. We hope that a Hollywood director picks it up and scripts Golden Globe and Oscar successes.

The idea is simple. It is a book and it focuses on what has been happening in Mang(Bang)alore since January 25. It relates to pubs, love, and such other things that constitute leisure, permissiveness, and happiness. Of course, feminism plays a big part in the plot and is personified and choreographed with the meticulousness of Chinese director Zhang Yimou. The rest of the script is as racy as a Quentin Tarantino thriller.
You could call it Gulp Fiction. Or, The House of The Flying Beers. Or Fill Bill. Or Reservoir Dregs. Or The Last of the Beercans. Or Kiss Kiss Ban Ban. Or Thank You For Loving.

The list of titles is endless. As they say in Bangalore, there’s nothing like a sip to send your mind racing and innovating. Actually, we have decided to give it a rather mundane title, A&Q. The sub-title: Answers That Can Make A Kevin Pietersen Out Of You. After all, everyone wants to be as pricey as Kevin. Since we don’t want to be identified, we have signed off as Love and Kush.

As my friend put it, the pseudonyms have a traditional flavour and are non-controversial. As L&K Inc, we hope to create a love franchise as well, selling mementos on Hellentine’s Day, an alternative to Valentine’s Day. H-Day, on May 14, is the high point of summer. On that day, we believe, nobody will take to the streets, attack pubs, disrupt social harmony, or create a general public nuisance. Everyone will be inside, enjoying the comfort of their homes, second homes (pubs), third homes (spas), fourth homes (you may fill in the blanks, please). But let’s come to the book, first.

The book is a dictionary that lists and explains words relating to recent events that surround us. Since we will expand the list and post it on the web as a wiki, netizens can revise and version it.

The year is 2011. The plot is familiar. The storyline is a quiz, where contestants explain meanings and usage of words. Here’s what a teaser list from version 1.0 looks like.
Froth, n; beer’s biggest sex appeal; an endangered species in Bangalore, since beer-guzzling has been banned in the name of morality. These days, illegal breweries roll out beer sans froth since froth is a giveaway. Usage: Froth impairs wisdom. (Source: a morality pamphlet brought out by social activists)

Pub, n; originally a tavern; nowadays, a library where romance is multiplying. Parents have been complaining about the type of books pubs stock. Don’t expect Richard Dawkins, Samuel Huntington, Tom Friedman, Fareed Zakaria, etc, here. Usage: It was tough first, but I became a doctor by studying at a pub. (Source: An inspirational first-person account in The Dusk, a Bangalore eveninger)

Love, n; a private display of affection; also called cloistered courtship and subdued sex. Illegal kiss-bars, which allow emotional connect, have sprung up in Bangalore. Usage: Love is a moral expression of an immoral act. (Source: Liquid Love — A Neo-Modern Perspective, a seminal study of passion by a local sociologist)

Morality, n; a synonym for electricity, since both are in oversupply these days after all-out efforts by the political administration; denotes values and tradition, the foundations of modern Bangalore. There is a correlation between morality and electricity: power fails when values dip. Usage: We should now sell morality to the national grid. (Source: a speech made by a politician in Bangalore’s Cubbon Park to charge the youth)

Feminism, n; a martial art to enforce morality and eradicate inequality; third-generation womanhood; the most effective reorganisation of the second sex to establish identity; signifies an armed movement against hooliganism. Usage: Feminism wants you, so wake up girl. (Source: a billboard message in a mall)

We have deliberately set the plot in 2011 because it will take us that much time to get a publisher and a director. Until then, we fervently pray that bitter sense prevails in India’s frothiest town.