Think twice before you give up on marriage

Recently, I met a couple who was on the road to divorce. The husband and the wife looked almost convinced about their decision. The wife said she was done with the marriage. On asking what made them come to me, she said it was her husband’s wish. The man, on the other hand, who looked quiet and listless, said he wanted the marriage to work. The wife, however, opposed vehemently. When I asked the couple why the marriage was collapsing, the wife said all that mattered to the man was his job, and therefore she didn’t feel loved. He was just not interested in her and stayed away from her, emotionally and physically. She slipped into depression for enduring all this, but now she claims she has come out of it and didn’t need him. The husband, in contrast, thought she was cold and unaffectionate.

Somehow, I felt the ‘couple dynamic’ was not reflected realistically. They, indeed, were in a horrible state with two kids involved. I realised I had to work on them and empower them. They had to understand two things: First, they had to realise how they had disintegrated the marriage to this level, and the realisation learn not to repeat the mistakes; Second; they both had lost their ability to be free with their own selves. They needed help at three levels: relationship with herself, relationship with himself and their dynamic. Many couples try to fix their marriages whilst struggling with themselves and their fears at the same time. Fearful people will only protect themselves which takes an awful toll on the marriage, while confident people will protect their marriage. These people have dealt with their own problems first before dealing with their marital woes.

Helping couples to see where they are going wrong is a key skill to master to help them save and protect their marriage. These skills are not natural, so they must be taught. Every couple is different and so is the solution offered to them. But, the basis of any process revolves around a safe reconnection that lays the foundation for a passionate connection. Marriage is not a play of dice that you can slice – before you give up, think twice!!

Relationship and couples therapist. Helps couples and individuals deal with their relationship problems effectivelysagarika@thoughtcounsel.com