No conditions apply should be the rule

So "If you study hard, you will be rewarded" or "if you get full marks, you will get that bike". If you don't come back home in time, you will not be allowed to go out again" or if you talk to that friend, we won't speak to you." A very common household scenario. When children are brought up in an environment where conditions have played an important and frequent part, they continue the trend of using conditions in their relationships later on. How many times have we seen a husband or a wife wearing a long face, withdrawing, being radio silent to showcase their resentment? It's almost a warning that such situations would always warrant such a behaviour from them. It may sound childish to the partner who is being subjected to such a behaviour. But can't blame them to not understand their spouse's childhood experiences have led to this kind of conditioning – always trying to prove a point through conditional 'give and take.'

A relationship marked by frequent conditions can never blossom. Whether it's a relationship between a husband and a wife or a child and parents, the moment conditions come in, it can be distressful. Two things can happen in families plagued by conditions all the time - either the child or the spouse gets so affected that they end up fearing the person putting conditions or it can escalate into further problems, when a person refuses to be controlled by conditions. He or she may start rebelling and in the process the family peace is disrupted.

People are wrong when they feel that conditions make relationships disciplined and thus more satisfying. Conditions and relationship satisfaction are inversely proportional to each other. More conditions mean the relationship is less satisfying. Conditions can strangle the growth of relationships.

Conditional relationships are always transitory in nature. They don't last and even if they do, it's certainly not real. One should be able to accept and appreciate someone – warts and all. Grades, education, jobs or status should never tilt the scales of relationships. Real relationships are never dictated by conditions put by someone or by the conditions marking the ups and downs of life. Please make sure you create the right conditions to nurture a relationship free of conditions.

Relationship and couples therapist. Helps couples and individuals deal with their relationship problems effectively 
sagarika@thoughtcounsel.com