Do you feel the change?

It’s common for people to feel as though they have suddenly lost feelings for their partner. They may not be able to point their finger on why it has happened, yet they know that something has changed. Why does this happen? Although, this may seem sudden, it usually is a result of subtle changes which may have been brewing and are built up.  It can be a result of the differences in a couple’s values. Things affecting a person’s lifestyle could also be a factor. If a person suddenly starts seeing the relationship in a new way, feelings towards their partner can change. When pointed out, couples are surprised as to how they overlooked these differences earlier, only to become deal breakers now. 

Initially people often put on rose-coloured glasses to perceive their marriage as a bed of roses. The moment they take them off – which everyone does at some point, they get a clear and real view of who their partner really is.  As a result, they start feeling differently than they did with their glasses on.  The problem here is not the partner. Its people’s coloured perception of their partner. It’s extremely important early on in a relationship to see one’s partner as he or she is. No room for any colour blindness here. Potential problems should never be ignored or avoided fearing conflict.  Not doing so can erupt a dormant volcano eventually.

It is very difficult for a person to go through such shift in feelings. Processing it can be daunting. But one should immediately have an open conversation with one’s partner. One should honestly open up and share the sudden change in feelings – for it doesn’t mean the relationship is over. Rather it is a good time to reflect on the relationship reality.  Talking to one’s partner may help if he/she is equally open minded. At times, changed feelings can be taken otherwise and may be attributed to many unpleasant and imaginary factors. 

Ultimately, it’s up to you how much you can compromise with your feelings and ignore your needs to be with your partner. Relationships need to work. But, if you must cross your own boundaries or neglect your own values, you are not respecting yourself. Otherwise, nothing is permanent in this world. Not even your feelings. Just because they change, doesn’t mean your relationship changes.

Relationship and couples therapist. Helps couples and individuals deal with their relationship problems effectively 
sagarika@thoughtcounsel.com