Unless you’re the sagely sort who pardons implausibility in screenplay and howlarious gaffes in direction, this is just not your ticket: Khalid Mohamed.
Fanaa
Cast: Aamir Khan, Kajol, Rishi Kapoor
Direction: Kunal Kohli
Rating: **1/2
Toss a coin over Kunal Kohli’s Fanaa. Heads you lose, tails maybe-ummm-why not-see-it? Doubtlessly a lavish budget, the presence of two insuperable actors, the umbrella of the Yashraj banner, the de facto supervision of the Dilwale Aditya Chopra, a blitzkrieg of controversy and the very notion of seeing an uber cool summer flick, had made you heart tock and tick.
Snag: unless you’re the sagely sort who pardons way-out implausibilities in the screenplay and howlarious gaffes in the direction, this is just not your ticket – at the single screens, the ‘plexes, wherever.
Frankly, if you don’t feel thoroughly dismayed at the end of this apologetic terrorist saga, it’s because of Kajol, the one-woman cracker factory. She’s explosive even when the material is soggy. In addition, often you can sense that Aamir Khan gallantly gives in to her jump-off-the-screen personality. In his solo scenes, he’s on a different trip like that slick spy strut at an airport. With her he’s cautious and correct as if he’s out on a first date. Uh huh.
Indeed, the chemistry between Kajol-Aamir is uncertain. So, if your heart somersaults for her when she’s nearly run over by speeding cars, you want to beat up the guy yakking on a cellphone at that moment, the lord alone knows why. Contrivances and creepy coincidences, in fact, are the bane of the story-screenplay authored by one Shibani Bhatija. Arrey, Madameji aapne yeh kya kiya?
In fact, the plot is as far-fetched as extra-terrestrials congregating in Cough Parade. Really, where have these X-mutants landed from? She (Kajol) is a blind girl from Kashmir, he (Aamir Khan) is a Delhi tourist guide accompanied by a Rajesh Khannaish acolyte who vanishes into the Qutab Minar.
Miss Kashmir and Mr Delhi reprising his tapori acts from Rangeela-Raja Hindustani, meet and are strangely permitted to canoodle on by the girl’s teacher (Lilette Dubey). Kashmir jaan and Delhi dildaar fall in love as easily as flossing their teeth, go to bed (where else?) and the girl’s parents (Rishi Kapoor-Kirron Kher) break into cartwheels. Yippee.
Next: Dilli ka Guide is reported to be killed in a bomb explosion (howlariously shot), his Yumrao Jaan who has incidentally regained her eyesight faster than the Virar-Churchgate local immediately hobs and sobs in the nearby morgue.
The plot sickens. Seven years later, Guide bhai who has actually been working for the Pakis lands up her at her doorstep (wah, Allah ki rehmat), a cutie-pooh kids gabs on till you want to wring his neck. Really by now you need an icepack. What were Kohli-Bhatija thinking about?
In between all this cluck muck, Tabu (please, Choprajis don’t do this to her) flashes a leather jacket worn for seven long years. Were the dhobis on strike? Sharat Saxena as a RAW chief barks orders which no one listens to, Shiney Ahuja zips into a micro-mini role which could have been assigned to Razzak Khan, Kirron Kher is rudely despatched to the pearly gates, good ole Satish Kaushik drinks rum only to drop dead. Duh.
And a senior Pakistani spy shivers for seven years in the same snow-spot till you wish to parcel him a pair of thermals. Really, the Yashrajwallas can’t be doing this to you in the name of entertainment.
The first-half is all sher-shairi on the lines of the Raaj Kumar-Priya Rajvansh poesy spells in Heer Ranjah, the second half is a sad Bond flick with snowy set pieces borrowed from On Her Majesty’s Secret Service and hello, even Yilmaz Gunney’s Yol. The dialogue truly deserves the cheesiest award of the year. And so does Lara Dutta for cleavage display. Pleeeeease.
Jatin-Lalit’s music is remarkable only for a couple of AR Rahman-influenced tracks. Ravi Chandran’s camerawork is reliably expert, but the editor obviously couldn’t get back in time from Poland.
Reason still to maybe watch Fanaa – Kajol. She can light a fire even under water. Rishi Kapoor is impressively buoyant. Aamir Khan is okay. The remainder is destroyed under the weight of its own pomposity.
khalid@dnaindia.net
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