An interview with OctoPaul

Paul, who has predicted Spain will win, explains why he’s the world’s super soothsayer.

Dear Paul, what do I call you? Sri Sri Paul, Swami Paulananda, Paulie Vasudeva, St Paul, Nostra Paulos?
Paul: I have been called Miracle Mollusc, Oracle Octo, Pus of the Boots, Wet Vuvuzela, Octo Plus, Tank Tantrik... the list goes on. And, after the football finals, I may be permanently called Senor Paulo.
 
So, what do I call you now?
Paul: Do you know Bollywood has already sent me offers? Yes, they want to make a whole 4-hour movie on me. The suggested titles: Pyaara Paul, Eight Idiots, Paul Tussi Great Ho...

So what have you decided?
Paul: I’m going Hollywood. No song-and-dance for me. My tentacles are already tired. I am signing up for a prequel called Ocean’s One. I am the world’s most intelligent invertebrate. And, after the finals, I’ll be the most intelligent vertebrate, the most sexy pre-cog, the most celibate swami, the most flexible yogi, the last word on the eight-fold path... Guess what, the marketing opportunities are immense. I am to wellness what Lucifer is to hellness.
 
You’re blowing your beak. What do I call you?
Paul: I can be called by any name. Just think of my illustrious namesakes who inspire me and guide my sensors: footballer Paulo Rossi and spiritual guru Paulo.

Ok, Ocean’s One, are you a fraud? You have been called a Fifa conspiracy to get everyone hooked to football. Some say you are a German machination to unleash mind games...
Life in a water tank is terrible. You can’t react, you can’t blow your top. My visions have been criticised as wet dreams. So what? Believe me, octopuses are born soothsayers, they always have this sinking feeling, that inkling...

Everyone’s testing the waters. The Germans are doing it with me. Some have done it with the Portuguese men of war; the Americans have been deep diving in the Gulf of Mexico to see the future of oil and football; the North Koreans are always sonar sensing.

Thank you, Ocean’s One, for making football truly mystical, for being the Visionary Vuvuzela. But what happens after the Cup is won?  Is there a squid pro quo?
Yes, I have thought about that. Why don’t you guys try me at your next T20 championship? It will add zing to the tournament which has gone through a series of ups, downs and downs. I can pitch in as a co-sponsor as well. Surely it’s easier than predicting the unpredictable Jabulani. We could call the tournament PIPL, Paul’s IPL. 

That’s quite a thought. Anyway, thank you Slimy Seer, for agreeing to a long-distance sensory session.