I think for any queer teenager in India, coming out is the biggest hurdle. I can’t say I’ve made it to the other side yet, but I have made the jump for sure.
Around the time I was in high school, I began feeling the need to be honest about my sexuality. When I tried telling my sister and a few close friends, strangely, they just laughed. All of them had a similar reaction: “No way! You’re just experimental, that’s all. Don’t say it just because it’s cool.”
In my head, this wasn’t ‘cool’ and there was nothing ‘convenient’ about this ‘lie’. Every time I tried explaining it, I was left dumbstruck. Until then, I’d only dated boys and saying I was bisexual sounded like attention-seeking behaviour. So for a while I dropped it. It was a subject reserved for late-night conversations after heavy inebriation.
About five years ago, I started seeing a woman. It wasn’t public but I had to tell someone. Again, I started with my sister. Only this time, I couldn’t simply spit it out. A few minutes, lots of pacing, one large coffee, and a million stutters later, she took me seriously. And then she didn’t say anything. No expression but a frown on her face; and after what I think was the longest pause, she said: “So you like boobs, huh?”
I laughed my heart out with relief. Honestly, if it was not for her, and how amazing and accepting she has been, I don’t think I would’ve reached this stage of self-acceptance. Shortly after, I started telling my friends. Most of them were chill about it. Some of them said they’d guessed a long time ago. There have been awkward questions, but I’ve always believed it’s better to ask honestly than assume.
Although there were a few people (and I’m starting to think there always will be some) who say things like: “Tell me when you’re done with THAT” or “Oh, maybe you girls just need a real man” or the age old, “I’ve always wanted to meet lesbians in real life” and sometimes even “Who hurt you? Why would you waste a pretty face like that?” The most painful was when one of my closest friends at the time said, “But she’s a girl and you’re a girl.
That isn’t okay. It isn’t acceptable. How will you ever tell anybody? I don’t want to be a part of your ‘dyke stuff’. We can be friends, just don’t tell me about your GIRLfriend. Don’t tell me you’re a ‘man-hater’ now. I think you should stop this stupidity with girls and go back to boys and be normal.”
Goes without saying, these people do not see much of me. Sure, it was painful to let some people go, but I think it was a great transition for me.
After a couple of months, I’d gone from an identity crisis in the middle of a pretentious circle to an honest and bold statement surrounded by love and support.
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