Swag Se Karenge Bhai Ka Swagat

Mumbai is famous for its apnapun, pagalpun and Bollywoodiyapun. In the case of Queer Mumbai it is even more, it is pagalpun raised to the power of infinity especially when it comes to our commitment towards our stars. The biggest of them — I have a lump in my throat when I admit to this fact — is Salman Khan aka “Bhai”. 

There are many, if not all, in the queer community who have an obsessive compulsive disorder with him. They know his songs by heart, they know his moves. You do Bigboss-giri with them (i.e. eavesdrop into their lives when they think no one is watching) and there is a strong possibility that you will see them dancing like him, doing the towel- between-the-legs-while-thrusting-pelvis-forward step. No Khan has that kind of obsessive fan following like Bhai. 

I know of several  relationships that have been wrecked because one loved Salman Khan and the other does not like him as much. The love-hate relationship between queer couples with respect to devotion to the Salim Khan suputra has often led to serious relationship issues. People may not break up because of Salman Khan directly, but unknowingly, and unintentionally, Bhai does plant some seeds. 

The other people who can cause a fight in queer relationships are Sridevi and Madhuri Dixit. I don’t need to take an example of anyone outside, I am team Sridevi, and have engaged in verbal spats with Madhuri fans who dislike Sridevi. In college, I once had a fist fight with someone because he said that she had to go to an ENT specialist after listening to Sridevi’s screech in the Chandni title song. It’s been 16 years that I have left college, he and I are yet to be friends on social media. Our meetings are awkward and our dislike, mutual.  

Coming back to Bhai. I watched “Tiger Zinda Hai” at PVR Juhu on Saturday. I found the film an insult to human intelligence and tweeted that I need to see a shrink to recover. However, the moment I posted it, I started receiving private messages and public ones from Queer persons who love Bhai. Some thought I was brash to trash the film that way. No one listed to my “Just Chill” request. Les-behen from Juhu who loves bhai can fight the most illogical debate for him. 

There is a homo-bhai from Powai who went totally for the kill: “Pehle bhai ke jaise banke dikhaa.. tereko toh koi gay world mein bhi standing nahi hai.” I suddenly found my Friends List on Facebook shrink by seven when I said “I don’t know what they were smoking when they were writing the script for Tiger Zinda (Kyun) Hai”.

I admit though, Bhai has swag. 

Mereko laga Tiger bada thakela hai... parr aamcha rainbow-bheedu-log, tiger-bhau ke pyaar mein padela hai. 

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