I feel lucky that I gave birth to a gay son: Ankit Dasgupta

I was 21 and confused when I started working with a leading financial MNC. I was sexually attracted to someone but that someone was a man. “What is wrong with me? Why is this happening with me?” I wondered. I felt misplaced, misheard, and went into a shell.

I had to deal with that attraction every day. I couldn’t set my eyes off him. This went on for months. Slowly, I began watching LGBTQ films secretly on my laptop. Those films showed characters like me. I was able to accept that I am sexually interested in men.

Days passed, but I was still disturbed and confused as to whom to confide in. I decided it should be my mom. She deserved to know about my sexuality from me and not anyone else. 

One day, I had enough of the confusion. I was at work, and called up my mom saying, “I am leaving early from work. Let’s go for a walk.” 

I still can’t explain the amount of pressure I felt that day. Suddenly, I felt hot. My hands were burning, and my heart was thumping out loud. I wasn’t paying attention to what my mom was saying. My only thought was that the battle inside my head had to end. NOW. 

I took a very deep breath and said, “Mom, I need to talk to you and it’s very important.” She looked confused. “Mom, I will never get married,” I said. “Okay,” she replied. “Mom, I am serious,” I repeated. “I am not going to marry anyone ever in my life.”

“What’s wrong, why are you telling me this?” she said.

I burst into tears and my mom grew anxious. “Tell me what’s wrong. What happened? I am here to listen...” she said. 

I somehow stopped my tears and said, “Mom, I am not interested in women’.

“Okay,” she said, “So are you interested in men?”

“Yes, mom,” I said, still crying. “I am interested in men.”

“Are so you are saying you are interested in men, sexually?”

“Yes,” I replied. 

“So you are gay?”

I finally say the word, ‘Yes, mom. I am gay.’

She says, ‘That’s it?’

I looked at her, but couldn’t say a word. 

She held my hand and continued, “So what if you are gay? You are completely normal. Why were you crying? I am proud of what you are. You are my son. I feel lucky that I gave birth to a gay son. I will always stand by you. You don’t need my acceptance, I accepted you when I gave you birth. I will support you always.” 

I was baffled, happy, confused and couldn’t stop crying. But this time, with happiness. I felt freedom. I had just been set free from a cage. I came out of a dark closet I created in my head.