Banish that (sexy) thought

I have only sex on my mind these days.

See, it is that old problem. The first day you go on a diet, you are hungry and feeling absolutely crappy, and all you can think about is food. Your Facebook timeline will be full of food porn. Your Instagram buddies will be posting pictures of strawberry tart and delectable roasts. Your mother will send you a message like this: ‘What do you want for dinner?’ or your boyfriend/spouse will tease you: ‘Cupcake date tonight?’ And your colleagues will be ordering in from your favourite restaurant. Till the time you are able to stuff your face again, you will be nearly out of your mind, fighting a thousand demons that keep pelting you with nasty, naughty food thoughts every second. 

So yes, we have been told that a certain time of the evening is the sacred hour. When our thoughts must be as pure as tulsi (pun intended), as clear as the Ganga. When we must not think about sex, and anything that reminds us of sex. But it is most certainly having the opposite effect. For those few hours, I see very regular, very decent people suddenly talking about sex and all things dirty. They are taking sexy selfies. Sharing sexy jokes. Watching Katrina Kaif’s sexy swag in a loop. 

The sex-free hours on telly has pushed a nation on the brink of paranoia. People watch Rahul Gandhi eating fafda and find it sexy. They see Suhana Khan sitting at her window, being Suhana Khan, and they go nuts (pun intended again). I switch to a political drama on Netflix, about a prudish Queen Elizabeth and oh… she is doing sexy time with her wicked husband. I decide to watch news, hoping to run into either Arnab Goswami or Arvind Kejriwal, to banish all sexy thoughts there may be in my head. And I am bombarded with Kareena Kapoor Khan’s bold red dress instead. And just when thought I will purge my social media universe of all things sexy, comes the condom ad, congratulating the sexiest couple around these days.

Damn you Virat and Anushka, for putting sex back on my mind. Damn you condom makers for getting so cheeky. Damn you Smriti Irani-ji, for turning me into an emotional wreck with your ban on sexy condoms ads for those few hours every evening. 

But here is something you may have missed. You see, all this while you were busy with your hashtag battles, the family has quietly switched off the big fat TV in the drawing room and retreated into their own spaces. The generation you want to keep unsullied from all thoughts of sex, does not need to gather around the solitary screen to watch programmes approved by you any more. There is something called steaming platform these days. Try it. It is actually great fun.

SPEAK UP

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