‘There are more difficult things in life’

All that Abhinav Bindra wants is to be left alone. The sad bit is that no one is willing to do just that. In an open-hearted chat with DNA’s Sukhwant Basra, Bindra says that for him the golden hue is really no big deal

DNA in Beijing

Years of toil and now you are golden. How does it all feel inside?
There’s a void right now. I worked four years for this. I worked for an Olympics medal for 12 years and now I have got it. It’s basically like you climb a mountain and you have reached the top and you find that there’s nothing there. You win a medal, so what? Life goes on, no? What’s the big deal? What’s the big fuss about?

That’s how I felt even after winning the world championships. OK, so you do it. You go up and you come down. If I have the energy, I will try again and if not I’ll just stay down. But the journey itself was good.

You mean it’s just a ‘been there done that’ thing?
Aur kya? Ho gaya. What’s so... I really don’t enjoy the fuss. I think it is ridiculous.

But surely you understand...
OK, it’s the first individual gold. But I really can’t understand why no one has won it before. Really, I can’t! There are many more difficult things in life that are far scarier.

You come from an affluent family, yet you spent days after day, year after year in this pursuit of a recluse. What was the motivation?
It’s just the passion. This sport is very challenging. I’ll figure it out some day; have not figured it out yet. There is a new challenge everyday. It’s a very addictive sport. When you shoot a really good shot, it feels so very good and you want to do it again and again, over and over again.

Explain that for a layman. You stay cooped up in a hall for hours. What’s so addictive?
Initially I thought it was passion to win. But over a period of time I have been totally detached about winning. I never thought about winning here. I mean I was just detached from the winning aspect of it.

Is that a conscious thing? Is that something you worked on?
It just happened. It happened because I struggled so long that I stopped caring about the result.

But then what is the fruit of all this labour if you don’t want to win?
You want to shoot good shots. You want to shoot in control. Because in this sport you lose everything in a competition. You are like a two-year old child and you lose your mind. Competing is very tough. It kills you. So you work to be in control.

Lose it in what sense?
I mean that you are so scared. Everything changes. You are moving so much, your heartbeat is going all over. In training you hit the damn thing hundred times out of a hundred. Then in competition you can’t, you just can’t. Because you suddenly have doubts and you are scared because you have to do it and the stress builds up.

So in that kind of a situation you shoot a 10.8?
If you are lucky, yes!

Do you get luckier with hard work?
Of course I trained like hell. I worked hard, probably harder than anyone else in the world, six-seven hours a day, more or less seven days a week. I struggled every day. It wasn’t always fun, more than 90% of the time it was a struggle.

A meticulously planned training regimen?
Nothing planned. I have stopped believing in this planning situation. I don’t plan anything. I just go with the flow now.

You were the promising young prodigy. Then there were doubts if you would ever deliver. How did you persist?
I am a very determined individual. I have the will to struggle and the will to face adversity. I kind of enjoy it. You just have to doubt the doubts. I had doubts all the time.

Always?
Like prior to the match, the day before, I did not sleep. I had doubts that I am not going to be able to do it. I had not been able to get scores that I wanted in training. I didn’t run away from the doubts, I just worked my way through them.

You were hurting a lot last year and even before (Bindra had a persistent back problem). How did you live with the pain?
Winning is not fun, you know. Winning is a very hard thing. You need to go through the pain. You need to be able to face it. You have to learn to live with pain and that’s something you learn to be all right with.

Has it been worth it after all those years spent training?
As I said, I am detached from the winning aspect. Winning and losing is so close in this sport that you can’t really predict anything. I have enjoyed the journey, the struggle and I have enjoyed how I overcame to make my way through.

Wasn’t gold the basic goal all along?
I had goals till my second Olympics. Then I stopped believing in this goal theory and this preparation theory and that peaking theory. Obviously you approach the Olympics looking to win. But, nahin hoga to na sahi. Life goes on. Ho gaya to well and good.

How would you rate your final?
One of the best I have shot. Make that the best ever. I trained for the finals everyday. It was my strategy to shoot quick. Couple of years back, the window was bigger when I was a better shooter. In my present condition, I walk a very thin line.

What thin line?
I have this tremor issue. When the gun comes down it starts to shake. As I hold it longer, the muscle tension increases and it starts to shake. So now the opportunity to release the shot is smaller in my present physical and mental condition. It was easier when I was in form. This time I was living on the edge.

What are the future plans? London 2012?
Don’t know. That’s four years away. I don’t plan for things. If it feels good, why not? Let’s see. I am living the moment and not thinking about anything else.

You did not seem too emotionally moved at the presentation ceremony. You were quite subdued for a winner.
I just feel it’s a start. I believe we can win many medals. Winning an Olympic medal should not be a big deal. I think this is no big deal.