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| Edited By: Sanghamitra Bhowmik |Source: |Updated: Nov 19, 2013, 11:17 PM IST
If not hugging trees, they're saving chicken…will they ever get real jobs?
By my own admission, and others insistence, I concede I am a person with very little patience for people. But my threshold of patience for socially-conscious beings has always been on the simmering side. My recent experience has only helped reaffirm my faith in their ability to be singularly the most unreasonable people you could meet in the course of your day, week or life.
After a lifetime spent avoiding these beings, I have decided there are three kinds - the vegetarians, who may or may not be animal lovers; the nature lover, who believes that Tarzan is a model citizen; and the Causeless, who will hop on any available cause.
Let us begin at the top with Vegetarians. They are the ones accosting you anywhere - local trains, parties, offices and the loo. The opening statement is - I am a vegetarian. Of course, this will be followed with unsolicited information about how they stumbled upon vegetarianism. The story is always the same: "I went to the chicken shop and saw how the poor things struggled to live."
My heart, too, goes out for the poor chicken, but from what I gather, the bird was reared for my dinner. Poultry, in all societies across the world, is the legitimate business of rearing birds for human consumption. This also applies to goats, seafood etc. In fact, I would like to point out that chicken is not on any endangered species list, nor are goats or cows.
Still the born-again vegetarian is better than the born vegetarian. I believe they hail from a certain Western state of India and have perfected an organised, underground jihad against us, the non-vegetarians. The jihad rears its ugly head in many ways - 'pure veg' restaurants on every street, salad and raita are full-fledged meal options, pineapple pizza and 'pure veg' pizza joints. These are the ones who claim that consuming fruits and vegetables is the natural order of things. Pray tell me, where is the evidence to prove that we started farming before hunting. The argument that humans gathered food is a myth! If it were true wouldn't 'gatherer' be a legitimate profession.
One down, here come the nature lovers, with a fetish for all things green. I too love the beautiful expanse of green grass, with wild lush trees and red berries, but why is returning to the jungle the answer to all our problems? They are the ones tying ribbons on trees, planting samplings and beseeching us to return to the natural order (read live in jungles) - and all this honestly amounts to nothing.
Madam/sir, we live in the 21st century in concrete homes and visit forests on holidays. If we were to reverse the process, then a lot would have to be given up. Let us start with your job. Who needs an environmental NGO when the environment is intact? The swanky car and concrete house would have to go. We can live in caves and walk to Africa. Clothes too would go and leaves would replace them. While autumn might be the most reproductive season, green is just not the colour for Indians.
Instead why not give a free potted plant to every flat owner in Mumbai? Think about it, Mumbai has over one crore flats, so, one plant in each home will be one crore green spots. If you can't take them to the jungle, bring it to them.
Two down, and in last place comes the Causeless. They are insufferable simply because they can't stick to a cause. They are the perennial cause-seekers - vegetarianism, water conservation, power conservation, heritage, anti-cola campaign, mangroves, child rights, capital punishment, or the last surviving Amazon tribe. They are the lowest in the socially-conscious chain.
Although I have the least respect for them, they are the scariest of the lot. You never know what to tell them. You have to guess what their 'current cause' is and avoid saying anything rude about it. They have the annoying habit of linking their causes. So ground water depletion in Chennai is leading to a seismic shift in Jammu, which is also related to the landmines of Afghanistan. The connection fails me but evidently all this is true.
How and why these people came to be, I have no clue. But since this article I was warned, has a high probability of becoming a rant, I shall offer some solutions:
1. Always look at the vegetarian (which ever variety) with child-like devotion. Tell them their act of kindness is unparalleled in human history. Then offer to join them, fake withdrawal symptoms, and state you are addicted to flesh. In all societies addiction is an illness so, lucky you, no one will hold a grudge against a sicko!
2. Tackling the nature-lover is easier. Blame all nature's disasters on the immovable target - the state. They will be eternally grateful that you led them to the real culprit and invite you to their marches, dharnas etc. You could show up in the right shade of green.
3. Causeless are the difficult ones. You have to be ahead of them. So, read up on the latest and upcoming 'causes' and fox them with a new 'cause' every time to meet them. Give them all the dope - the NGO working for it; how to sign up for it, blah blah…and hope that next time too you are ahead of them!
